Self Tan Situations

We’ve all been there haven’t we?

Standing naked in the bathroom after exfoiliating with such force we feel like a recently sanded skirting board. Using a mitt or glove that looks like something from pets at home that you should use on a cat, guinea pig or extremely hairy spouse.

After doing all you can, you are left with no choice but to pray to God, Allah and other Deities that you possibly made up, that your tan will be even. I once put on tan, and had a foot spa, and looked like I had white socks on for the entire evening. It really is that easy to fuck up.

Not to mention you have to put Vaseline on your eyebrows, so you can either have strange gingery eyebrows and look like Ron Weasey’s foreign sister, or you can grease them up before you tan and have your head slide off them onto the desk everytime you rest your face on your hand that day.

We all know sunbeds are a bit naughty for you, and spray tans last as long as a lunar eclipse, but does self tan have to be SO much hard work.

Do I use gradual? Instant? Gel? Mousse? Omg there’s even MILK now. Tanning MILK. Did they get that from a cows udder on Mick Norcross’ farm?

And what about the smell? SERIOUSLY? We can put a man on the moon, we can find a teeny tiny particle that proves something or other, but WHY CANT WE INVENT A FAKE TAN THAT DOES NOT SMELL LIKE BISCUITS?

Scientists, you’ve ascertained that there is SHIT ALL on the moon but there are THOUSANDS of girls who don’t want to smell like a custard creams just to have a healthy glow.

Seriously, sort it out.


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