Seriously?

Have I been transported back to the 1800s? Is my ‘2014’ calendar incorrect? Because I’m sure, last time I looked, it was only William and Harry that called their Nan ‘Grandma’.

‘Granny’ the shortened version of Grandma, is for people who think they are posh but actually live in Benfleet.

I also know someone who, at the age of 22 still called his Nan ‘Nanny’. Here’s a tip men of the world. If you want to cock block yourself, call your Nan ‘Nanny’. It’s actually the only contraceptive on the market that is 100% effective every time. If you want to repel sex, take your girlfriend round your Nan’s for a cup of tea and call her ‘Nanny’.

We also have ‘Nana’. ‘Nana’ is another one they have in every greetings card shop in Basildon but not ‘Nan’. I’m sure no one south of Birmingham uses this word. I’m also sure that places above Birmingham are swimming in ‘Nan’ cards. SWIMMING in them. I bet you can’t turn round for ‘Nan’ cards in Birmingham. I bet that Bullring shopping centre use them as toilet roll. Honestly they are probably so easy to find up north and in the midlands people are wiping their arse on them.

NOT the case in Basildon. Them scientists who found that Higgs Boson particle think they had it hard?

Try going down Basildon the day before your Nan’s birthday to find a card. I can think of a hundred things that are easier than this task. Finding a needle in a haystack. Making my eyebrows even. Eating what I want and staying thin. Finding a man who isn’t a gobshite.

Even the woman in Clintons, knowing how useless her shop was, advised me to try ASDA. We got somewhere. They had Nan cards. Awful Nan cards they were, but Nan cards none the less.

There are 3 types of ‘Nan’ card you can get in Basildon.

Nan card with Teddy on which says ‘hope your day is as special as you’

Nan card with flowers on that says ‘hope your day is as special as you’

Nan card with an idyllic bungalow on that says ‘hope your day is a special as you’

Spoilt for choice.