I am vain.

I will freely admit this. I will look at my reflection in anything. A spoon, the microwave, someone’s eyes in the moonlight. (NB: if you have ever been on a date with me and think I was looking lovingly into your eyes, the chances are I was checking to see if my eyebrows were still even).

Standing in the shop today, the man who smelled like a wet dog who had just pissed itself while smoking a joint got me thinking.

Why DO people smell?
Why do people smell of piss?
Why do people smell on the bus?

I have visited some of the poorest countries in the world and every single one of them has better personal hygiene than 60% of the UK. We are in a epidemic. There is a cure, it’s called soap, and you can get it in the 99p shop.

Still so many are happy to dodge. I used to get the bus to work, and there was a guy with fingernails longer than Nikki Minge’s who smelled so eye wateringly bad, I am positive sitting next to him would of incurred side effects. He had a smell radius further than one of a nuclear fallout.

Another guy on the same bus, outwardly didn’t look to shabby but smelled foul. I always avoided being near him, but one day I noticed something from afar. He had an ipad. HE HAD A FUCKING IPAD. This guy can afford an ipad and not soap?

This brings me to Benefit Street. You know, the programme that subtitles White Dee and Black Dee’s names because the two get confused so often. White Dee’s bra wearing days went out with the Nolans career, and Black Dee dresses like Snoop Dogg in a recession. All of the residents can afford fags, but not soap.

None of them work, but yet none of them seem to find the time to pick a few clothes up off the sofa when they know they are going to be on TV.

All this proves to me, is we should stop giving these people money. It clearly doesn’t go on cleaning products.