I woke up with every intention of going for a run today.

Then it started raining. I don’t know about you, but I find the concept of running in the rain unfathomable.

I might die. Or melt. Or melt then die. Or die then melt.

I have more random excuses for not exercising than I do sarcastic comments for people I dislike. I thought I would share them with you in case you ever need them:

‘I cant go to the gym, I left my hairband/towel/padlock at home’

‘I can’t do Wii fit, there’s no batteries in the remote and the neighbours might see’

‘I can’t go for a run, it’s pissing down… and the geese always chase me’

‘I can’t go swimming, I mis-judged my fake tan and now my legs look like the bottom half of a fab’

‘A lion ate my gym card while I was at the zoo’

‘I haven’t got a free 7 minutes actually. I have a spare 6 minutes and 30 seconds in the morning and I use that combing my eyebrows’

‘I cant go to the gym today, there’s a lady who is always in the changing room naked on Tuesday and she makes me feel really uncomfortable’

‘I cant make Yoga today, I have eaten a large amount of eggs and am extremely conscious of passing wind in front of the whole group, including the man whose sexuality I cant work out’

‘I cant come spinning, my Sky box has broken and I’ll miss Eastenders and can’t Sky Plus it’

‘I would LOVE to come walking, unfortunately I cannot find any of my shoes. not one pair. I’ve been wearing socks with a carrier bag taped to them for 4 days’

‘I’m afraid I can’t make Tennis. I used my racket to unblock the toilet and now various pieces of it are floating down the Thames with shit on’

‘Had to give Bootcamp a miss last night, someone threw a tomato at my car and I had to clean it’

‘Couldn’t make Pilates. Aliens abducted me last night and I’m still a little sore from the probing’

I hope these are useful to you. I actually DID end up going for my run and it DID make me feel a lot better, so try and only use these in emergencies, like your wardrobe breaking and you being unable to get into it to find your running gear.