10 things not to do on a date……

1. Order a pint.

Seriously ladies this is only JUST acceptable if you are sitting in a onesie with your girls talking about childbirth. If you are going to order a pint you may as well pin your date down and fart on his head to show him how lady like you are.

2. Talk about your ex

Your new date does not want to hear how much of a waster and how ugly your ex was. Fair enough he may be the biggest waste of space since the Millennium Dome, but chances are this will not be what your new bloke wants to talk about. There is an even greater chance said bloke will be the one you are slagging off in a few months for being a waste of space.

3. Tell your date EXACTLY what you still need to do to get ready.

‘Ok, I’ll be ready by 7 I just need to put my rollers in and shave under my arms and legs’. No man EVER wants to know what you do in the bathroom. It’s possibly not even ok to do this when you have been married 17 years. Let me put this to you: When you buy a pre-cooked chicken from Tesco’s do you REALLY want to know how it got there?

4. Apply fake tan on the day

Girls, we’ve been fake tanning for long enough now. We all know it needs more than 2 to 4 hours to dry. Nothing is a mood killer like leaving a dirty great brown paw print on your fella’s cheek.

5. Make an inappropriate comment about his Dad.

‘Wow your Dad’s fit, is he with your Mum? are they happy?’. Seriously just don’t go there.

6. Take him to meet the family

If your date is nice enough to come and get you, which most men are not nowadays, please appreciate it and do not subject the poor bloke to a full on showcase while your family are sitting around eating Chinese and watching X Factor. You might of been out a couple of times but the last thing the poor bloke wants is for your little sis to kick him in the shins and to hear your Dad’s jokes about cheese.

7. Display all over social media that you have a date.

Believe me, you’ll thank me for that one if it doesn’t end up happening and you have 67 notifications in the morning asking how your date went.

8. Go to the cinema.

If you have decided you just don’t like the fella that much, don’t like talking to him and just want to hang on for someone to go out with on Valentines Day, then by all means go see a film. If you actually want to have a conversation without a fat woman giving you evils because you are talking through the trailers it’s probably better to go elsewhere.

9. Lie.

It may all seem well and good to tell your new fella you are a fantastic horse rider, but if things go well and he arranges a ‘surprise’ a few months down the line you’ll wonder why you said it when your being chucked off a horse into the nearest tree.

10. Talk about marriage and kids.

You may want a big white wedding and enough children to start your own cult, but REALLY, do you REALLY need to bring this up on the first date?


One response to “10 things not to do on a date……”

  1. You also shouldn’t turn up with a severed head, or a warrant from operation yew tree, but these are obvious, like the rest of the list.


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