I am unlucky. I never win on scratch cards.

If I drop buttered toast its ALWAYS butter side down. I know people say it always lands that way because it’s science, believe me its not, I’ve witnessed people drop butter side up and nonchalantly go about their day.

I am the type of person that this happens to: Standing in Asda today and two women stop for a chat and a trolley reshuffle, blocking the entire isle. Asking them to excuse me didn’t help because neither of them had their hearing aids turned up.

This ALWAYS happens to me. When I got to the till, I was behind a couple who were both obviously Titanic survivors. I honestly have nothing but love for old people and I know they cant help being slower but does it ALWAYS have to be me behind them?

I’m also the one who ALWAYS opens the door to the god squad. They always catch me. Not being impolite enough to tell them to go away, I then end up in a 45 minute conversation with a woman called Karen who now comes back regularly to talk about God.

I don’t believe in God.

I did have the guts once to tell some I HAD read the book of Jehovah and thought it was shit, but I felt guilty about it for weeks.

I am also the person that goes into an empty shop, and a massive queue instantly forms like the reverse of Moses parting the red sea. I could go into a supermarket at 4am to pick up some cheese and the rest of Basildon would decide to do their shopping as well and pay with all of the 2’s and 1’s from their Coca Cola change pot.

I’m the one who goes for a run, and gets halfway round the park to find a puddle deeper than the Atlantic ocean in the middle of the path and bushes either side of it. I’m the one who gets to the till and things are MORE expensive instead of cheaper and I the cashier insists I’ve looked at the wrong price. I am the one who will come out in a rash if I dare try a new shower gel. I am the one that drops things, especially phones, and ones ended up going for a good old swim in some honey nut loops. I am the one whose horse is winning until the last 30 seconds then falls over (although in this instance I could bring on the bad luck myself as I cannot help saying ‘the horse I voted for’ whenever I go to races). I am the one who is on the bus when it breaks down.

It’s lucky then, that I am also the one who doesn’t really mind about being unlucky.