I don’t tend to get into TV programmes.

I’m actually one of those people that read the TV mag so I don’t actually have to WATCH the soaps but can still gossip about them. Its win win.

This January though, due to being on a dryathlon, my Friday and Saturday nights have been filled by 12 celebrities bickering, drinking and in Lee’s case executing a well prepared plan to be universally hated by the nation.

From the get go when Linda Nolan entered with Jim Davidson in handcuffs after declaring he was the on person she would ‘HATE’ to be in with, I was enthralled. 3 days in, and the whole nation, noticing the obvious sexual tension are asking this:

‘was that the first time naughty Nolan’s been handcuffed to big Jimmy?’

Their arguing came to a head in a heated debate about Frank Carson’s dressing room, and it was not long after Linda was admitting she had slept with other men in front of her husband. What actually happened in there Lin? Are your deep harboured feelings of hatred towards Jim due to a botched spit roast attempt?

We actually found out it was something to do with Linda’s husband stealing £20, which back in their day, the 1920’s, was the equivalent to a billion pounds. This is the brilliant thing about the editing team. They leave us to speculate. I can’t imagine a more boring job than watching Dappy sleep all day while scratching his only achievement in life. Fair play to you sir’s you are not appreciated enough for your work.

One thing we all COULD of watched all day though is Lee Ryan making himself the most hated man in the country. The worse thing is, it’s like being cruel to an animal, because he genuinely lacks the brain cells to realise he is in the wrong. I think the part of the contract that was lost on Lee, was the whole ‘it’s recorded 24/7 bit’. We saw him adamantly tell Casey he ‘liked her actually’, do a bit of how’s your father with Jasmine, and then go back to Casey when Jasmine got kicked out for being a TS (Total Slag). When Lee came out, he looked like a bewildered Ferret. He pleaded with Emma Willis much like Oliver begging for food, and kept claiming that it was ok ‘because he was single’. Advice from a woman Lee, it’s going to stay that way for a long time, unless you emigrate to a country where most of the inhabitants don’t own TV’s. I hear the Venezuelan Amazon is LOVELY this time of year if you avoid the cannibals, and if you don’t, oh well.

After his pitiful interview, which Emma Willis conducted beautifully in the face of his defiance (I solely believe this interview should mean young Emma gets offered a really good job now. Like Queen) Lee went and checked his Twitter. Oh Lee, I really hope you saw one of the hundreds of abusive Tweets I sent you. I even advised Labour if they made one of their polices to deport him they would win by a landslide. I understand he got death threats, which is a bit far, so lets just send him away on a boat driven by the Captain of the Costa Concordia. It was only after these few hundred death threats that Lee Lie-an started to have a little think.

‘Hmm. maybe it’s not ok to hurt peoples feelings for the sheer fun of it’.

I know all four of Lee’s fans will be reading this thinking ‘you haven’t said anything about Casey and Jasmine’. You are right Lee’s mum and the other three Blue boys. All I can basically say about them is they have set feminism back about a hundred years. After this series of Big Brother I’ll be surprised if woman are still allowed to vote or wear trousers. Women like Jasmine are the first to moan about people like Dappy and Jim being sexist, so why invite it?

Also love, there’s not point in starting a massive row with Liz claiming you ‘cant the help the way you look’, we all know you’re made of more plastic than a storage box. You looked like a horror film before the surgery, sit down.

Dappy has surprised me, but I still don’t think a man who is capable of stealing someone’s number from a radio show and sending them death threats should be getting praise, big package or not.It will be interesting to see what he makes of the death threats Lee’s been getting, maybe they could compare tactics? I’ve loved seeing Lee Ryan suddenly transform into a Jamaican when he is around Dappy.

Sam and Ollie are the only two not stuck up there own arses. Who would of though that the one from Essex would be the one bringing the class? people might be calling them ‘boring’ but I just genuinely think they are nice people.

I didn’t even like Ollie when I caught made in Chelsea, and I thought he was a woman for the first few episodes. Lets face it when you put him near Francesca there’s enough jawline to make a coast.

So all in all, the flirting, the screaming, the cat fights, the bickering, the crudeness, the weirdness (Liz’s random outburst ‘My boyfriend will dump me because of the lighting – classic), has been greatly enjoyed by the nation.

I can’t help wondering though, if the reason alien life form have not made contact yet is because they pick up shit like this and see what a state humans really are.