Hi guys and gals,

Thanks for all the support with my little blog. We are now cracking on with over 150 views a day and I even have an Austrian following haha.

Seeing as CBB has been one of my absolute highlights of January, I am treating you all to a live blog with all the gossip and hopefully a little bit of banter.

21.00
Emma Willis always looks stunning. I hear rumors this is because she drinks the blood of seven live kittens every morning. Don’t be fooled that shit is glamorous, poor cow was only allowed to put her coat on in the ad’s when I went to the eviction, and mind that umbrellas from the pound shop.

I can’t help feeling though with that outfit if I was at a black tie function I’d go up to her an tell her I didn’t want salmon and ask her to pour me a bev. She looks like a female Papa Lazarou from League of gentleman with that suit and eye make up going on. Like a parallel. Reverse Papa Lazarou. Lapa Pazarou.

‘HELLO DAVE….YOUR VOTES BEEN COUNTED’

‘HELLO HOUSEMATES…THERE WAS A BLOCK IN YOUR TOILET BUT I’VE FIXED IT NOW’

21.03

‘Please do not try to vote if you are watching plus one or on demand’
Is anyone REALLY that stupid?

21.05

Previous housemates coming out now, most of them to boo’s. All of them dressed up and Jasmine looks like she’s going down Georges café with a hangover for a Big Breakfast number 2. Could of dressed up for the occasion Jazz, you haven’t worn this many clothes since directly after you were born and wrapped in a blanket.

21.07

Casey calling Dappy a ‘saint’. Lets forget about all the gun crime and threatening people and stuff.
She’s an AWESOME judge of character that Casey I’m gonna get her to set me up on a blind date.

21.09
Ollie tells Sam the ball is very much in her court with regards to what happens when they come out. God love him he couldn’t even dig his testicles out to try and bag a date with one of the easiest women in the country.

21.14
Casey is named as the person who has come 6th in the competition.
By coincidence, she was also 6th in the list of people in the house Lee Ryan wanted to bang.
Could of called that to be honest, she lost a lot of votes when she started chucking her self respect in the bin with the empty cans of ‘alcohol, lemonade and lime’.
She’s getting a few boo’s as well, no wonder lass.

21.21
Casey being interviewed.
‘My only goal was to get to the final’
Also bag myself a boy band member at the cost of any shred of decency.
Casey admits she’s ‘smitten’ by Lee, and he does this really shocked look to the crowd.
He looked like someone had just told him they like a Blue album.
Now showing her Lee bitching about her in the diary room.
Every woman in the country is now watching this and literally clenching their vagina.
Casey admits ‘I don’t love Lee’. You share the sentiments of the ENTIRE country. Emma kicking her down the stairs and calling her lovely.
Get that dig in Em!

21.31
OMFG Sam voted 5th, WTF, it’s a travesty.
I am NEVER watching this shit again.
I joke. I will watch it religiously until I’m too old to shower myself.
Sam coming out telling the housemates she loves them, being really gracious. She should of won on being a lady alone and not getting her tits or growler out.
Never mind Sam, I’ll tell you something that would warm EVERY Essex girls heart, your eyebrows looking fucking fabulous darling.
Ad breaks giving me a chance to process this and I’m RAGING.

21.39
Interviewing Sam now, she’s talking about being ill, shame producers kept that from us. Emma saying what was quite surprising is ‘we are used to seeing you on TOWIE’
Emma babes you should of prepared some questions in advance.
Sam’s just said she was on antibiotics, as a fellow Essex girl I was a bit shocked we didn’t see her wasted dancing round her handbag.
Sam’s just said the whole her and Ollie thing is ‘cringe’.
She WILL go on a date with him but doesn’t know how a relationship would go. Lots of maybes. Let me tell you something.
FRIEND ZONE.
I love Sam to bits but to they are scraping the barrel a bit with her ‘best bits’

21.48
Luisa named 4th, she got further than she expected really.
Coming out to a lot of boo’s tough crowd tonight, I do have a lot of respect for her because she genuinely doesn’t seem to give a shit.
Her nose looks smaller if you look down on her, so I guess she could try and get a blind date with a bloke 9ft tall.

21.55
Luisa thought she’d be out in a week.
So did we Luisa, so did we.
Emma saying she’s one of the best housemates she’s ever had.
Emma, can I bring your attention to Jackie Stallone please?
‘Yeahhhhh, Jackie’
I rest my case. Jackie Stallone is 92 now and looks better than Linda Nolan.
She was also born to a family originating from Odessa, Russia and I’m a 100% sure she is the baby in the pram going down the Odessa steps in Battlehip Potempkin.
Luisa saying about Lionel grassing her up for the chocolates.
She dropped the ‘F’ bomb. Mate, you DO NOT drop the F bomb to Emma Willis. She is royalty.
She’s only said it a couple of times, but just to remind you all, Luisa doesn’t care if you like her.

WHY ARE PEOPLE CHEERING DAPPY?
I can’t handle a world where Rihanna takes Chris Brown back and people think Dappy is lovely. Seriously women, why not just start beating yourselves and cut out the middle man?

22.05
Ollie is third. Dappy can’t believe his still in. He’s going to celebrate with some gun crime or texting threats to a woman.
Ollie coming out to massive cheers, thank god the world is still partially sane.

Tulisa is in the audience.
Call 6442402 for half a ticket and 6442402 for a full ticket.

22.13
Ollie being interviewed, he can’t wait to go to the loo without a microphone. Or Lee and Jasmine shagging in the corner while he’s curling one out.
Ollie ‘I use way to much fake tan’
Thank fuck he’s just realised he looks like Michael Jackson in the Thriller video.
‘I had a beer in my hand which made me look more manly’
Ollie, several naked women gyrating over you while you punched someone and drank special brew wouldn’t make you look manly babes.

22.22
THE PUBLIC HAVE SOME SANITY! Jim is crowned the winner and Dappy’s out.
Dappy I hate to tell you this but T’s sold that gear you were going to tick off of her.
Walks out to cheers, still baffling. I will keep the blog going during his interview but I have never hated a person so much in my life.

22.28
Dappy just called Blue the best boy band in the world. I rest my case viewers.
Dappy’s slagging off tinned tomatoes now. See, this is why I don’t like you…..

22.37
Big Jimmy coming out to massive cheers. He looks a bit shocked about it all. Wearing a smart grey suit and a purple tie.
Interviewing Purple Ron after the break.

22.42
Emma’s laughing as we come in from ad break. Obviously Jims telling her he motorboated Linda in Frank Carson’s dressing room.
‘I got nominated more times than Gone with the Wind’
Love that one Purple Ron.
Jim’s just said people in the pub convinced him to go on. Usually people in the pub convince me to buy dodgy DVD’s with Chinese subtitles.
Linda’s gracious loser face is excellent ladies and gentleman please catch it if you can watch it on catch up. Remember not to vote though.
Emma’s just pulled Jim up on being grumpy and they are playing one of my all time fave bits:
‘Have you ever had sex with Linda?’
‘I’d rather put my balls in an egg slicer’
Jim on Luisa ‘That is a dangerous woman’
How do you know she’s a woman for 100% Jimbo?
Them shoulders don’t lie.
Well now ladies and gentleman they are showing Jims best bits and will go on to the obligatory collage round up of what we have all spent the last 27 days watching.

Thanks for reading my little blog, there are some REALLY exciting prospects coming for it in the future which are all at negotiation stages, and couldn’t be possible without you all reading.
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Love ya bitches!

Tan, Tits and Teeth forev’s