We’ll start off the round up of what happened in TV last week with Albert Square, where David Wicks, who has been wearing the same suit since 1993, proposed to Carol in the second most romantic proposal location behind Paris. The Queen Vic. Because she said no, and I cant think why, David sought out some comfort from Nikki, who turned up at his door in an air hostess outfit from the 99p shop.

Over in Weatherfield, poor Tina can’t keep away from Peter Barlow, who’s excessive use of ‘Just for Men’ which should be re-branded ‘Just for Mingers’ in honour of him, is better advertising than the brand ACTUALLY sponsoring the programme. Gail Platt is still moaning about not having enough sawdust in her cage, and Roy Cropper is still absolutely devvo that that Nek Nomination he sent to Hayley went so devastatingly wrong.

Channel 5 really pulled some interesting documentaries this week, jumping on the ‘Benefit Bandwagon’ we had the ‘Big Benefit Row’, which could of been a fantastic piece of investigative journalism, but due to Matthew Wright being about as able to control the crowd as a toddler can control their bladder, it ended up with all the decorum of a fight at 3am over a taxi outside Sugar Hut. ‘White Dee’ the ‘star’ of TV show benefits street was one of the culprits/victims of the show, was actually the one who carried the most class. She even wore a bra for the occasion. Annabel Giles kicked up a fuss about having to ‘exist’ on benefits after having to heartbreakingly sell her Carribean island. Maybe if she wasn’t so frivolous with all her money she wouldn’t have to claim benefits. You don’t just buy and island on impulse because it was next to the till. Let’s face it love, modelling careers are fickle anyway and you were never exactly best in show. Shiny coat though I’ll give you that. Everyone waded in the next day about Edwina Currie personally attacking the family of Jack Monroe, which was unneeded but I cant work out why the nation were so surprised? The woman had an affair with John Major so she is obviously partially sighted and has the morals of a toilet brush.

Birds of a Feather always provides some light relief in the TV week, but I cant help wondering if Dorian is a robot? I mean, she does look old (sorry) but she doesn’t actually seem to age. She looked just as old in the last series. If she were bald I cant help thinking that she would look like Gru from Despicable Me, but you can make your own opinions.

I loved the bit where Dorian starts shouting to the blind lady, because it reminded me of this guy I used to work with in France that used to shout, slow, loud English to French people and expect them to understand. All English people presume if we speak louder in our own language, foreigners will understand us. it’s genetic. I spent my first few weeks in the Philippines doing sign language, don’t ask why. I also kept saying ‘thanks mate’ to everyone, and my aunty reminded me it I was going to be there that long I should maybe pick up a few of the words and some of the culture.

So I said ‘Salamat mate’.

Big Reunion was a bigger let down then getting home from Mcdonalds to realize you have been done out of your mozerella sticks. Gareth gates speech impediment has near on disappeared so I assume adultery is the perfect cure. ‘Girl Thing’ who none of us had heard of, insisted that they had a stylist flown from LA who was also doing Britney. I’m guessing it was circa this period girls:

Damage had a particularly nasty split with one exclaiming in a high pitched squeal ‘he SPAT at me, he actually SPAT at me’ about his band mate who is sadly not returning for the reuinion. Well at least he doesn’t swallow like most boybands. I cant wait for Big Reuinion 2024 when Harry Styles, after coming out admits he had a Ketamine addiction, and Lady Gaga appears with a dress made of recycled wax with a hole in for her to wee out of.

Last but not least I HAVE to mention the Winter Olympics opening ceremony. Billed as ‘the most expensive Olympics ever’ one can’t help wondering if Vladimir Putin is at all aware you can buy rope lights in pound stretcher. We are treated first up to a Russian alphabet with a famous Ruski for every letter, but surprisingly, Stalin isn’t the ‘S’ person. Apres all this excitement, a Russian child starts flying a kite which I’m sure is a popular hobby for Russian youth along with homophobia. I’m going to say it, Russian children scare me. Sorry if you think that’s racist or stereotyping, but unless you have looked after a little 3 year old Russian girl who launches sticks at everyone, you really can’t comment. Russian music scares the shit out of me as well. We had a very bland group booming out the Russian national anthem. It’s a ‘nyet’ from me. My highlight, my absolute highlight though was when one of the ‘snowflake’ rings failed to light up. Vladimir Putins unimpressed face either showed that he was raging or was just a result of all the botox. The person in charge will obviously deported, but don’t worry mate you can come over here, because lets face it everyone else does.