Well the new series of TOWIE kicked off with less of a bang and more of a little pop. As an avid fan I wasn’t expecting such an underwhelming first episode of the newest series but none  the less, its what we got.

We were first of treated to an enthralling scene where Diags washes his pants with an unidentified female. Although, it was slightly more pleasant than seeing him with them round his ankles in an alley way. Charlie has undergone a massive transformation from ugly bloke with massive mole to ugly bloke with massive mole and shit fashion sense. I don’t know what his gameplan was with those moon boots and the stripy white and black monstrosity but I had to actively stop myself from shouting ‘THE REFEREES A WANKER’ at the TV screen.

The whole episode was was a ‘has she hasn’t she?’ about weather Ferne cheated on him and I’m here to tell you Ferne if you are reading this and you did, I will make you a paper hat. Still not sure why sexism hasn’t been eradicated in this day and age, and I’m even more unsure why it’s ok for a bloke to cheat with 20 girls but Ferne can’t get her nuts in. The poor bloke was named as Frank Major and he’s probably loving his Twitter notifications today. Congrats on not only banging Ferne but the excellent name as well mate.

Gemma and Bobby were still at loggerheads over him going to do some old dears beauty treatments, and in his words ‘it’s not as if he credit card frauded her’. You wouldn’t of been able to pal, I know someone who knows someone who knows Gemma, and she’s skint. Although I will hazard a guess she keeps well fed. Her and Arg are of course ‘trying to lose weight’ and as usual are doing fantastically.

Arg did 3 bench presses and Gemma managed a 26 second power walk with Elliot, so you will see both of them as slimmer of the year shortly.

Mario, who is trying to woo the FA cup trophy in a dress, decided to throw a party which he called his ‘Sistine Chapel of Parties’.We get that your Italian Mario, but you still have the personality of someone in Broadmoor so please don’t keep reminding us because you think it makes you attractive. The house the party was in was absolutely beautiful, but obviously did not belong to Mario, who is also according to my source, skint. (He downgraded his car 3 times last year, and ended up with a Fiat – the ones he drives on the show are hire cars).

So. We have a party, alcohol and a whole bunch of people due for confrontation.

Gemma Vs Bobby

Both ended up apologising to each other although I still don’t think Bobby understands what he did wrong. I mean, it’s not as if he ate Gemmas sandwich right?

Ferne vs Charlie

Charlie was the one who was allegedly cheated on and still managed to make himself look like an arsehole. Take a long walk off a short cliff Chaz.

Mario vs Grace

Grace told Mario she had heard about his reputation and he tried to defend himself by saying he had cheated on the same girl ‘a few times’. Look where it got you Mario. Your beautiful ex is swanning about modelling and you are trying to get with someone who looks like a Picasso painting.

Shhhhhhh

Fun fact:

Overnight Frank Major gained THOUSANDS more Twitter followers for being name checked, than Grace did for actually being in the show.

Billie announcing her engagement and pregnancy was somewhat sweet, but marred by the fact Gemma and Arg will almost certainly eat her baby.