We all love a spa. It has been built into us since cavemen times, when they used to throw off their loin cloths and sit in hot springs.

Alright I made that up a bit, but we all do love a spa still, so here’s ten tips on keeping your cool. Especially if you visit a posh one.

1. Know where you can and cant be naked.

Also try and use your initiative. Sauna, no.Pool, no (or yes if you want to be arrested). Changing room yes but please time limit yourself. I have just got home from a spa day, in which I walked into a changing room to woman standing gossiping start bollock naked about the spinning class. After showering I came out, and she was still running around clotheless so close to me I swear her growler actually smiled at me. There is also a safety concern here. Even if the sauna is empty, bits WILL burn.

2. Don’t piss in the pool or Jacuzzi.

It sounds obvious, but so so many people still do it. I know it might warm you up a bit, and you might think you are doing it subtly by still swimming, but its not hygienic. If you need to pee either go and do it in the toilet or go and do it in the kids pool which is made of 97% urine anyway and a good way to get back at them for being noisy little shits. Logging off is a complete and utter no obviously but I thought I would mention it especially for anyone from Basildon.

3. Be prepared for the awkward squelching noise your costume makes when you sit down in the steam room.

It sounds like a cross between a normal fart and a fanny fart and usually comes out louder if you try and avoid it. Just embrace it, and try and make the situation entertaining for yourself by saying ‘ooooh that will be the cabbage’.

4. Don’t be dirty.

Seriously, those poor people who are doing your treatments have to TOUCH YOU. You could at least do them a favour by not going into the treatment room smelling like a week old food recycling bin and looking like Worzel Gummage. If you are going to go and use the gym (because we ALL do that on spa days don’t we?) you could at least shower after.

5. Don’t take in a hundred screaming children.

Seriously, if you want to return home with the same amount of children you came with, please don’t take them to the spa.

6. Return the robes.

If you are with your girls and you have had a few proseccos it may sound AWESOME to have your very own Bannatynes robe. Don’t even think about it. They charge you loads for that shit. I have seen spa’s that charge up to £30 on your card if they do not return. Just wear your fella’s ‘Italian Stallion’ housecoat and be done with it.

7. Don’t fart during treatments.

When you have a massage, they will absolutely put pressure on places that will make you want to fart. Please control yourself. I know you probably think ‘they hear it all the time’ but I assure you they don’t. Farting in a spa treatment room is akin to shouting out something really cringe when the music stops in a club.

8. Do NOT use your mobile phone.

I know I know! someone from TOWIE might have retweeted your retweet that you retweeted. one of the girls might of imessaged to say that girl you went to school with and didn’t like’s baby is ugly. You might miss an email from WOWCHER. Unless you are Simon Cowell, you really aint gonna miss much in the few hours you spend at the spa, so please don’t be ‘one of those’. I know its tempting to snap chat you in your robe and the woman in the café that looks like that woman who used to be in Holby City, but just no.

9. Don’t feel bullied into tipping.

Ok here I am totally contradicting my review by saying the girls cant earn much. no they don’t, but don’t let them follow you around hinting at a tip. I know they are not paid great wages but nor am I, and the parent of the people I am a carer for don’t come up to me and go ‘great job today Kel’ and hand me cash. When was the last time you went up to a bus driver and went ‘wicked journey today mate here’s a fiver’. When we go out to dinner we tip the waitress for literally walking the food 3 steps but not the poor chef who stood over a hot stove and cooked it. It’s a dying culture in most places apart from the UK, and like everything else cultural I’m sure we’ll catch up in 50 years.