You know, and not have on either the bus or in the café.

1. Whether you are ovulating.

That’s lovely for you. Miracle of childbirth and all that. I’m eating a smoked salmon and cream cheese bagel and I’m not shouting about it DESPITE the fact you’ve just put me off food for life. Well about 4 weeks. Well. 4 hours. Well. I might just finish the bagel.

2. How many people you have slept with.

I’m all for equality, women go out and get yours etc etc. Don’t go out and get your and sit on a public bus and talk about sleeping with two men in the same night when you don’t even look old enough for an adult ticket though. You’ll be up the duff by time you get your citizencard. Congrats.

3. What drugs you do.

What WAIT. You can get hold of illegal drugs? ILLEGAL ones? In Essex, where drugs are sold more often than the Times? So what. again, each to their own if you want to go out and take a pill that makes you think you are flying through Moscow on a unicorn fine, but don’t sit in a public place and boast about it. I would ESPECIALLY advise not telling the whole world who is growing/selling drugs. Jesus wept how stupid can you be?

4. Who at work is pissing you off.

Chances are, you know your group of mates friends and families so well, you have had one of their Nan’s in your kitchen dancing to ‘Log on’ by Elephant Man (true story). However, work colleagues could have friends and family all over the place you don’t know about. So standing in a shop slagging off Sharon you work with may be a nice little bit of catharsis at the time but Sharon’s husband who was also buying his linen at ‘Zoom the Loom’ probably wasn’t impressed and Sharon is going to be royally PO Monday.

5. How much you earn.

Some people grow out of being money orientated, most people don’t. No matter how much you earn or where you live now, we will all be living in a wooden box when it comes down to it. Bragging about how much you earn or where you go in London or how you maxed out your credit card at a strip bar doesn’t make you sound hard, it makes you sound like you have an extremely unfulfilling life and are trying to fill the void with money, as well as like a wanker. 

6. What your Muff style is.

Ladies, I’m not for one second saying you shouldn’t always keep trim. But I don’t think the packed tube want to hear you have just been to a woman in Golders’s Green who styled your growler to look like Lionel Richie’s facial hair.

7. What minorities you hate.

If you hate anyone because their skin is a different colour or they are disabled, I urge you strongly to go and drink a bottle of bleach right now any way, but if you have the absolute front to voice this loudly in public, I really do think you should asphyxiate yourself with that Lidl bag. This is aimed at you, EDL members.

8. What gave you the shits last night.

I’m not for one second trivializing diarrhoea. Although it is a quick way to look slim for a night out. if you suffer from a particularly nasty case because you were feeling adventurous and had Moroccan, we do not need to know this at the queue in Greggs. The pasties are unappetizing enough nowadays without a nice bowel story to back it up.

9. You have bought stolen goods.

Great! I bet the person who sold you them is over the moon you’ll tell anyone who will listen they got you a Dyson off the back of a lorry for £20 and some questionable Beats headphones.

10. You listen to N Dubz.

this is more embarrassing than the other 9 put together. The worst thing is some people actually see this as a virtue. You may as well wear a T shirt that says ‘I was never bought up to have my own taste in music so I listen to generic shit in the charts and favour the person with the stupidest fashion sense’. It wouldn’t be that much to get printed.