1. Socks and Sandals.

Never ones to be pleased with things being simple, the Brits have to take something as straightforward as putting a sandal on because its hot, and then defeat the object by putting a sock on underneath it. The UK’s sock obsession has rendered the actual invention of Jesus Creepers useless, as the mixture of faux leather/plastic and a nice thick sock leave sweat patches worse then my year 9 English teachers underarms. Surely it says somewhere in the Bible its a sin to wear socks under sandals? I’m sure Jesus never did this shit!

2. Hot pants.

But not hot pants on well built women in their mid twenties with a nice tan. Hot pants on girls who don’t even look old enough to watch a PG without a parent present, old men, and boys who think they are REEM. Please note that white denim hot pants are never acceptable ever unless you have some sort of time machine in your Citroen Saxo to go back to the 80s. Call me old fashioned, but I have always thought shorts should actually be longer than your vagina as well.

3. Crocs.

Just no. Plastic shoes with holes in that look like a slice of fucking cheese. 

4. Entire outfits in luminous orange.

Don’t know about where you all live, but one bit of sun in Basildon and the whole town turns in to a mid 1990’s techno rave. Lumo colours become acceptable attire for any outing and you walk round Asda’s wondering if you are buzzing out.

5. Everyone is walking around in the same sunglasses.

Because they were a pound in Primark. Regardless of the fact if you are a boy or a girl, or a horse, you will have one pair of Primark wayfarers and one pair of Primark aviators. You MAY spice it up and get a Toshop or River Island pair for your holiday, but you will spend the whole time putting them on for 10 seconds and then putting them safely back in the case because they cost you £12.00.

6. 60 year old men in convertibles.

I don’t think there’s anything that feels more intrusive than being in traffic, witnessing and old man whose hair looks like it has had a nuclear fallout from the middle outwards and only the edges survived, sitting next to you thinking he is cool. It’s a bit embarrassing to be in the vicinity of this mid life crisis, and you kind of wish he had just got some Viagra instead of wasting all that money on a Porsche he takes out once a week to Boccia.

7. The perpetual hunt for the ice cream van.

You hear it, you chase it, you cant find it. Repeat. You SEE it, you chase it, its gone. REPEAT. You give up and the little git ends up right on your doorstep, and you cant find your purse.

8. Fat white men with no top on.

Yes I know its politically incorrect and I will have human rights groups on my back, but I don’t want to look at fat white men topless while I’m eating my ice cream I just chased the van 6 miles down the road for wearing my crocs. it’s never the really FIT men walking around partially naked is it? it’s always the ones who look like Elton John with a hangover.