Eurovision Song Contest 2014

Ladies, gentleman, and politicians which count as neither. Welcome to my live blog following the events of the Eurovision song contest. in true Eurovision style, we have a crazy year including a bearded lady and some Latvians who didn’t get through singing about not knowing how to make a cake (I assure you the fat violin player knew EXACTLY how to make a cake).

Sadly enough, I watch the competition every year, its my guilty pleasure.

Before we go ahead as well, I would also like to take this opportunity to say a massive thank you to all the support for my blog.

so this is the year England have an actual chance at winning! I must admit, I do like Molly Sitting Downs song but its all too political. Well at least Russia and Ukraine wont be tactically voting for each other this year. Controversial.

8.00pm

Woo woo it all kicks off. Apparently according to the VT some people turned up on push bikes. I don’t even like riding to Laindon on my push bike so I aint about to give Denmark ago.

The whole set design is apparently based around a ship. Lets hope it don’t hit a fucking iceberg then?

 8.05pm

Indoor fireworks always baffle me. I used to shit myself indoors lighting a fag before the smoking ban.

8.07pm

now doing the run down of what order all the countries are in. You can guarantee half the people in Essex are going ‘Whhhhaaaattt? Where the fucks MON-TIN-EEEE-GROW’ ?

8.09pm

Mum makes me die ‘Oh yeah I thought I recognised that Ruth Lorenzo from Spain.

Mum, the only way you would recognise Ruth Lorenzo is if she short-changed you today in Asda’s.

Lots of cheers for Molly Sitting Down, the problem is if you hype it too much its more embarrassing when we shit out big time.

8.12pm

Bit early with the ticker tape aint they?

Ukraine

This lady with the post its has obviously never been given the advice ‘mind the gap’.

Oh thank heavens she survived that risky train station experience to sing with a man in a hamster wheel. They have a hamster wheel like that in Wat Tyler park in Basildon, might pop down tomorrow and recreate the performance.

I didn’t know Chelsee Healey was Ukrainian?

It’s quite funny this song is called ‘tick tock’ because it is genuinely as annoying as when you pass out on your mates sofa and wake up at 4am to a ticking clock and you don’t know where the bastard is.

Belarus

He’s singing about cheesecake, and escaping. It’s like 90% of my daydreams.

Peter Kay must of been talking about this song when he said ‘CHEESE ..CAKE? A CAKE OF CHEESE?’

The other singers have literally left the stage because they are so ashamed.

It’s quite catchy. I cant really slate lyrics because I listen to songs that go ‘Move the house…break the house down’.

Funny, they have never won Belarus.

Azerbaijan

Or as my friend says ‘Sounds like how bout a charm’. If anyone is playing the ‘DO A SHOT WHEN THEY WEAR RED’ I’d get a few in now. Do a shot when they breathe is also a fantastic drinking game.

What’s this tart on the swing doing? she the stunt double in case someone throws something sharp at the singer?

Can I just say ladies and gentleman, if you ARE paying attention to the lyrics, please don’t actually start a fire. I know you may be feeling down & depressed after listening to this for four minutes, but there are people you can talk to.

Iceland

I’m glad one of them is wearing orange and representing Iceland the supermarket. They may not have a chance in the Eurovision but god do they do good party food.

Pink, orange, blue, red, yellow and purple mixed together make brown.

Brown is the colour of shit.

Do you see where I’m going with this?

Norway

This man looks like he should be down Camden downing Jagers. I bet he’s like, SO COOL in his country but he just doesn’t fit for the Eurovision.

You know a songs shit when it brings your attention to how good the staging is this year. He’s like a wet versions of Mumford and Sons. Maybe like, ‘Mum and Son’.

Romania

Before I start slagging this song off, can I just say I’ve worked with Romanian people in Greece and they are totes funners!.

Finally something more upbeat.

Is he not bad looking or have I been single for too long?

OH, she popped out from no where it was like the girl from the ring. So Romania is actually a duo but they kept that secret until they cut to an IMMENSE close up of the female singer, I nearly chocked on me hula hoop.

Song is called ‘It’s a miracle’. It’s a miracle you are the two best singer in your country. Romania must be pretty small.

Why is there a fat Chinese man cheering for Romania? #awks

Armenia

Has everyone in Europe just recently learned to play the piano? like, ALL the songs have a piano in. Get me a guitar or a banjo.

Ohhh a bit of trumpet Aram MP3. This is a bit dubsteppy. I don’t even know where Armenia are but they must have all discovered the Korg Triton.

Montenegro

Montenegro are going for the ‘Jack and Rose dancing in Titanic theme’ but they have added in a random ice skater. To be honest I’ll probably vote for Sergei because he has the most immense eyebrows ever, better than any scouser I’ve seen.

You know you are a horrible person when you are literally on the edge of your seat willin the ice skating tart to fall over.

The song actually sounds like the Corrs (oh remember the Corrs I loved them?), which just goes to show Montenegro are approximately 15 years behind in music.

Poland

Did she just shout out ‘Claire…Donatella?’ that’s a random pair of names.

I think this lady is supposed to be Polands answer to Katy Perry, unfortunately Katy Perry can at least sing a bit, and this lady sounds like a bunch of hens screaming ‘I will survive’ at the end of the night in Chicagos when they turn the lights off and chuck them out.

This woman’s really gone all out and woven half her outfit into her plait, I’m telling you now love when you wake up hanging out of your arse with a kebab next to you that’s the last thing your going to want to deal with.

Greece

So Greece have got someone from the UK in their act. Which makes me laugh, because I’ve worked in Greece and they despise us English for some reason.

Oh this is upbeat, shame the guy cant sing a note. I always think if you are going to pick someone who cant sing, pick someone REALLY good looking so no one notices.

Is ‘rise up’ a euphemism? Just to quash that myth, Greek men are NOT good looking. The best looking one I saw in my 6 weeks there looked like a llama.

If he grabbed me and asked me to rise up, I’d press charges.

Austria

First and foremost, good on Conchita. There is too much small mindedness in this world fair play to her.

She’s like a male Shirley Bassey. ‘Burley Bassey’. Go on Conchita lad.

The song is really epic, I’m sure it’s being touted for the next James Bond film as we speak. She is really good, but I cant help thinking its the novelty thing, as the song isn’t great.

Germany

Song is called ‘is it right?’. If we are talking about literally anything you have ever done in the entirety of history the answer is no guys.

Bloody hell Pinks gone down in the world and I really didn’t know she was German. This song sounds like something street performers play at Camden Tube Station. I’d completely blank these if I see them on the street as well.

Come on Germany, you must be able to do better than this. That woman with the accordion looks overly happy. Like she’s going to do a Carrie at the end and kill them all.

Shit. If that happens now I’d feel so guilty.

Sweden

Sweden, this tart is favourite isn’t she. How far away is Sweden because I want to go and see this next year??

To be honest I think you should step aside, I mean you got Abba guys give someone else a chance. I’m sure she’s a lovely woman this Swedish lady but she’s proper mutton dressed as lamb. she reminds me of a 45 year old woman in Jumpin Jaks pulling 21 year olds.

I don’t know how this is the favourite. It’s a woman singing over a drum. I bang on the saucepan and sing when I’m cooking and I aint in the bloody Eurovision.

‘Undo my sad’. I think you need to rephrase to ‘Undo my wrinkles’ love.

France

Song called moustache. Moustache you a question. Love to stay but I moustche. Sorry guys I’m not actually going to talk about the song when I can bust out my best moustache jokes.

If you want to have a moustache so much cut some of that ridiculous barnet off and stick it on.

The man with a guitar has a moustache. Bet he’s well fucking jel.

Russia

Russia getting booed. Guys, I know Russia are total bullies, but please remember it’s not the singers fault. So unless Vladimir Putin sings one year (which wouldn’t be a surprise) please leave them alone.

It’s like there’s just one of them singing into a mirror. It’s really baffling!

Ok, the songs crap. boo all you want.

Haha ‘telling all the world to show some love’.

But if they don’t, just wade in and nick whatever bit of it you want for yourself. No dramas.

Italy

Just watching the flag thing. Pointless fact: Mozzarella pizza was invented to coincide with the colours of the Italian flag Basil, Tomato and Cheese.

Oh thank fuck finally a guitar. All those pianos were doing my head in.

I can see what she had for breakfast in that skirt. And it wasn’t Mozzarella pizza.

It’s also a bit sad that so many glittery unicorns had to die to make that outfit.

Slovenia

She takes her flute with her at all times. Dread to think where she keeps it. One time at bandcamp situation.

She clearly got her outfit from a Game of Thrones fansite, so that’s nice, representing what you believe in.

The song is pretty bland. It reminds me of plain toast. You would listen to it if you were quite hungry but you would prefer some marmite.

Finland

Bless Finland going to all that effort for their flag thing when all Ukraine did was pop to staples and buy some post its.

Oh bless these little lads. The song is quite rocky and good, but its basically like something that you would of heard at V festival 2007. It’s never flamboyant enough to win the Eurovision because no ones a drag queen and they are not wearing scary latex masks.

Spain

Ohh Ruth Lorenzo, she wrote some songs for Danni Minogues album. I think it sold 26 copies.

Another piano. Were the rules changed this year? Must have piano and tacky performance art?

Song is called ‘Dancing in the rain’ which is taking the piss really. You wouldn’t be dancing in it if you got it as much as the UK.

Switzerland

Well the bloke singing for Switerland is REALLY good at whistling so he can always fall back on that. Some more guitars, which is good. They have got a bit of banjo banter as well. I’ve always wanted to start my own band ‘4 sluts and a banjo’ but turns out I cant round up 3 other sluts.

I’m sorry to say it mate, we don’t want you to go because we think you are lying, we want you to go because your song is shite.

Hungary

Lets all just take a moment to perv over the fit Hungarian man.

Ohhhhh I care, call me up babes. I like this entry, unfortunately again I don’t think its ‘Eurovisiony’ enough, but if it was being played in one of the tents at a festival I’d have a little skank out to it.

Again with the weird performance art. I’m rethinking letting this Hungarian man be my fella. Imagine taking him down Ministry of sound and he starts doing his ‘Running running running’ dance.

Malta

Oh they did their flag with sparklers, you rebels mate.

This is a bit Mumford and sons as well. It sounds like something that should be played at the end of the film when everything turns out amazing and the lead character walks off into the sunset to go on some amazing adventure. Except they are unknowns from Malta and they are singing to a load of people that like shit music in a Danish shipyard.

Matla really set themselves up for a fail by being proper dangerous with that flag then singing the most boring song ever.

Denmark

Ohhh Denmark, it’s like a Bruno Mars song in Minion language. the dancing aint doing you no favours either. He’s actually got quite a good voice, but I’m guessing whoever wrote the song with the lyrics ‘scuba buba dub dub’ genuinely hates him and bitterly wants him to fail.

The Netherlands

Love The Netherlands beautiful country. I did kick off when I was there because I did not see ONE windmill or tulip. Rip off.

Ohhh finally a bit of rhythm. It sounds like ‘I’ll be missing you’.

Maybe its called ‘I’ll be missing tune’ because they sound really off key. The bloke is either Amish, or dressed as someone Amish. the woman is dressed quite nicely actually, her dress is full flamingo so she might have animal rights after her.

San Marino

Bloody hell this lady from San Marino has got the most teeth I’ve ever seen in my life. She looks like Gromit. ‘Maybe’ you should see a dentist. The song is very 80s spy film again. It sounds like something you would hear in a really shit old fashioned bar.

It’s all very epic, but the songs boring, she cant sing and I think she’s really relying on that cleavage showing dress.

Maybe she’ll get a career elsewhere next year.

England

Come on Molly Sitting Down. Oh shit that bus thing was so fucking cool!

Ohhhhh I really don’t want to get my hopes up but shes smashing it 😦

Molly whatever happens we still love you! most credible entry we’ve ever had.

10.01

Hahaha they just pulled up Graham Norton on making jokes about them. Bless him. That’s a good sign as well usually the UK et no attention what so ever.

10.03

Ok don’t vote for anyone you little shits we could actually win this.