Ladies and gentleman, BBQ season is upon us. When I say BBQ, I mean that one day where it stops raining enough for you to brown off things you’ve already cooked in the oven. Here’s a few tips on what not to do:

1. Let the men light the fire.

Even though it is supposed to be natural for a man to light a fire because of evolution, put them in front of a BBQ and they will look like a tortoise trying to do suduko. Usually the women need to step in after they have used up 4 boxes of firelighters and burnt themselves on the lighter because they have let it get so hot. If they do get it going, it’s inevitably because they have put white spirit on it and are now eyebrowless with half a washing line.

2. Give people salmonella.

As much as anyone dieting will appreciate the opportunity for a good purge, giving the entire party food poisoning is probably not best practice. I know when you are drunk it can seem very very urgent that you eat the last bit of chicken from five hours ago that has been touched by everyone in the family and the cats, it’s probably not a good idea.

3. Think its a good idea to get in the paddling pool/on the swings/use the slip and slide.

Ah yes, the host has kids. Cue hilarious banter where you go down the slide into the paddling pool. Except its not hilarious, and you might end up doing what my Dad did once in 1992 and going down the slide into the paddling pool and straight out the other side onto the grass. As funny as you think you are, nothing ruins a party like having to call the fire brigade to cut a grown man out of a swing.

4. Let anyone catch you eating the burgers that have fallen into the grill.

Admit it, you are partial to a burger biscuit, and once you have had a few bevs your self restraint goes awry and you find yourself trying to fish them out of the bottom of the BBQ when no ones looking with a plastic knife and fork.

5. Take your drink home.

This goes for parties as well. Yes mate I know, you left a spoonful of vodka round so and so’s house that time. Believe me, the host will greatly appreciate getting pissed courtesy of you the next afternoon after clearing up 6,000 paper plates when only 4 people came and 34 cheese singles wrappers with a hangover. Don’t be tight!

6. Up stage the host.

If the party is going to be a burger and sausage situation, the host really will not thank you for bringing those halloumi and mango skewers with tarragon seasoning. Bring food to a BBQ but always go one down from what you think will be on offer. A BBQ pack from your local butchers is a safe bet, and you will even get a chance to be embroiled in a row about whether it’s halal or not.

7. Piss any where other than the sink.

This sounds like an obvious one, but I have actually hosted a BBQ before where one of my exes friends pissed in my sink. Apparently it was ok because ‘he did it at home’. I never stayed with him long enough to find out if his friend was definitely raised by wolves of not but I would say its 90% chance. If you need a wee, at least try and get to the toilet. Men I know your aim is worse than a one eyed darts played when you are drunk but at least try instead of pissing in the bath/sink/salad bowl.

8. Not actually having a BBQ.

If you are hosting a BBQ, you may need a BBQ. Call me crazy but I always thought the clue was in the name. Doing a mad dash to get 4 disposable ones from Wilkinsons is not really acceptable if you have 30 – 40 people to cater for. If people have to wait an hour and a half for one burger chances are they will be too mortal to eat anyway. Disposable BBQs are only ever acceptable if you are in a field. Please remember this.