Big Brother Launch Live Blog

Due to the success of my Celebrity Big Brother Final live blog ( and my Eurovision Live Blog ( I have decided to do a live blog n the Big Brother Launch.

I don’t usually watch it, but I used to have a much more active social life. Recently, quite a few people have decided to fuck me over meaning I have less plans, you see?

Anyway I’m out tomorrow with the fella reviewing PIzza Express, so you’ll have to fend for yourselves on that one. Until then, enjoy!


Big Brother, please don’t make your opening sequence remind me of how shit it is when a Youtube video is buffering.

Emma Willis looks stunning as always you total bitch. That glittery microphone looks like something Arg from TOWIE would use. No really, please Fly him to the Moon.

I have just noticed Emma Willis has a massive camel toe. SUCH a child.

The house has a futuristic vibe complete with growler washer in the toilet. I always sit on the toilet and thin ‘I wish I could wash my growler while I’m here’

Housemate 1 – Tamara

‘I think I’m better than everyone else’.

Well you are on Big Brother so you aint doing so well so far.

‘I think glamour is something you do when you have nothing else to do’

Like spending the summer in a house with loads of strangers to get on TV?

‘Tamara has no intention of cooking in the house’

But she claims she’s quite adequate at shit stirring which means she’ll be the most boring housemate and out first.

Housemate 2 – Mark

Visual merchandiser who gets his hair done professionally 4 times a week. But still looks like Stevie wonder cut it. He thinks ‘everyone should be like Mariah Carey’. Dear readers can I ask you all a massive favour. Please do not EVER be like Mariah fucking Carey.

Housemate 3 – Helen

Slept with ‘quite a well known person’. If it was Tina from Corrie she was in more shit than we thought. She says she’s ‘quite an honest person’ which is the EXACT same code I use for being a total bitch to people I don’t like.

You definitely don’t go into Big Brother if you want people to change their perception of you. You go in Big Brother to be famous for shagging under a table.

Housemate 4 – Steven

He is a managing director. So when he gets kicked out first he will have no authority what so ever in his company. He say’s ‘being powerful is extremely important to me’. Fuck sake, you are going into Bi Brother please sit down you absolute wool.

Cue Steven walking in saying ‘wow wow wow, I think I’ve just done something in my trousers’. Absolute helmet. David Brent alert.

Housemate 5 – Danielle

‘I’m very set in my views’. She doesn’t believe in contraception which is a touch because she looks 7 months pregnant. So she is basically going to go round stopping any enjoyment possible.

Housemate 6 – Winston

YAAAAAY up the Essex. He’s not that good looking and thinks that if a bird doesn’t fancy him she must be a Lesbian. I LOVE him. How can you possibly make the name Winston cool? Oh yeah, because he’s from ESSEX.

When they do all the little pointless facts I always wonder what mine would be.

‘Kelly changed her middle name to Lafawnduh while she was drunk’

‘Kelly had to have her toe sewn back on in Greece’

‘Kelly once stole the large canvas Pitsea market sign’

Housemate 7 – Matthew

Ohhh don’t they all have posh names this year. Luckily his girlfriend likes him. His girlfriend is called Keith.

he bigged himself up in the VT then shit himself and had to be hugged by Emma Willis going in. LAD.

Housemate 8 – Kimberly

Kimberly has an American accent. She says commercial which fucks me off already. She is obviously a model. No one who works in Morrisons goes on Big Brother now do they?

Housemate 9 – Christopher

He didn’t fancy dairy farming. Which is a marvel because he is really cheesy. All of the contestants so far have said they are argumentative which means they will all get on really well and it will be incredibly boring.

I think the most exciting thing about the contestants this year has been the entry music.

Housemate 10 – Pauline

She’s not a very predictable person. Which means all of her friends knew for an absolute fact she was going on Big Brother. She told Kylie Minogue she was shit. I’m done, let this woman win the rest are wankers.



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