1. For every 90 minutes you ignore us, we expect a new pair of shoes.

(and not Primark ones).

2. If you don’t want us to keep asking what the offside rule is, actually explain it rather than just say we ‘wont get it’.

You aint exactly a quantum physicist babes.

3. If you want us to stop commenting on how good looking the players are, shave off that ridiculous beard.

It doesn’t make you look cool, it makes you look homeless.

4. If you want to go down the pub for EVERY match, expect to come home to me and the girls doing ‘High School Musical’ karaoke.

You can also expect to be the one doing the glass bin the next day.

5. If you do not want us to take the piss out of you crying when England lose, you can make no comment on us crying when Ferne and Charlie break up again on TOWIE.

Because they inevitably will, about 8 times this series.