1. Decline to wash

If you are undertaking a journey on public transport, it is important that you do not wash. In my advice, I wouldn’t even just leave the shower the day before, if you are planning a journey, I would honestly try and avoid contact with soap and water for at least 4 days. There is nothing innocent commuter’s enjoy more than a pungent odour thrust in their face at 7.30am before they have even had their morning Costa.

2. Bring a decidedly large bag, that takes up an entire seat

To be honest, standing for an entire 45 minute journey has got to be good for your legs in some way right? so if you could please do me a massive favour, and bring a large bag that takes up a whole seat, then look at me as if I have just pissed on your entire family when I ask you to move it, that would be perfect.

3. Talk really loud on the phone, preferably in the quiet carriage

I honestly don’t know what we did in the age before mobile phones, where we had to just live our lives without knowing the stranger sitting opposite on the train’s smear test abnormalities and details of the blind date she went on last night. If you are getting on some sort of public transport, please can you make sure you have a mobile telephone conversation to conduct on board and make sure you save any conversations which h should be had in private for the 30 other people on the carriage.

4. Pick your nose

If you pick your nose, please do not keep this a secret. If you are going to dig for additional nutrients, please wait until you are on public transport so the world can see. Just remember to pick us a winner.

5. When you get on the bus, fumble around for your ticket

If you are under the misconception that the rest of the passengers have a home to go to, you are WRONG! There is nothing we all love more than waiting for some arsehole to dig out their ticket and hold up our journey while they have stood at the bus stop doing nothing (probably picking their nose) for ten minutes.

6. Invade someone’s personal space

It’s such a shame that the public have this notion that everyone should be afforded personal space. I say, the nearer the better, especially if someone smells. If you are getting on public transport be absolutely sure to get mind bendingly close to the person next to you, so much so that you can smell what they had for breakfast.

7. Listen to drum and bass through poundshop headphones with ZERO noise cancellation

Not that I have anything against drum and bass in particular, I was partial to a bit of High Contrast in my day, it just seems like an incredibly loud genre when someone is wearing headphones that make the noise louder to the onlooker than the listener. I know the chitter chatter of school kids is about as fun as a rectal examination, but we do not all want to listen to Beyoncé or some other shit R and B.

8. Let your child scream and scream uncontrollably

if you have 8 or 9 kids you cannot control (which is quite common in Basildon), why not take them all on a leisurely bus ride? There’s nothing the bus going public love more than listening to a repetitive screaming child all journey. In fact, I might start selling CD’s of it to be used as a relaxant in Spa treatment rooms. Going to go on Dragons Den with that one.

9. Be a heavy breather

If your breathing sounds naturally like you have an oxygen mask on, it is not loud enough for public transport. Ramp it up a bit. Why not go mad and throw in some spitting as well.

10. Eat really smelly food

Lets face it, you will waste away and die if you absolutely do not eat on that journey home. If I could make a suggestion, fish pie is an excellent choice for a train carriage where warm air makes the smell more significant and circulates the odour. If not, anything with a really soy based sauce or something cabbagey.

Dedicated to Natalie & Laura, who I know love the busses as much as I do.