It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas …

A tried and tested way to avoid all the pre-Christmas, starts in October before even Halloween and is wholly unnecessary hype, is to book yourself a nice get away on a tropical island for the end of November. Unfortunately, this meant for me, that upon return from Thailand I was thrust into the fairy lights, sat down, and had a large Christmas tree shaped dose of ‘festive cheer’ dumped on me like one of those flea bombs you used to use in the 90s. So instead of trying to resist, I got full on into Christmas mode and got most of my shopping done the day after
i returned from Thailand, convinced Mum to get a real tree which we are picking up tomorrow, and had my first mince pie yesterday courtesy of my number one work funner, Liz.

If you are still scrooging it about, here’s a few things that you can use to tell the festive season is upon you.


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That god forsaken Coca – Cola advert

I’m sorry, is it me, but could you not just happily watch that Coca – Cola truck take a long drive off a short cliff? Yes it is exciting when you hear the ‘Holidays are coming’ song, but the thought that we live in such an age of consumerism that we measure Christmas starting by a company with very questionable work standards in third world country bottle factories playing their advert is a bit sad. As much as I love chucking down a Diet Coke before work to give me a little spring in my step, I prefer the more traditional Christmas festivities like your Dad swearing like a boxer from the Bronx because he can’tget the fairy lights to work and everything your Mum bakes turning out shit but you eating it anyway so as not to offend.


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Decorations going up in September

I don’t know about you, but I’m a simple kind of gal. To me, Christmas decorations are for Christmas. Call me old fashioned but I feel the same about this as the fact that I strongly believe your shorts should be longer than your fanny flaps. But there you go, there are still some die hard fans who put up their decorations in September. We have a house down our road that put up their decorations in September and they don’t come down til March, no exaggeration. The worst thing is, they are not even good decorations, and the large inflatable snowman they put on their front garden often spends February and March in a deflated state, perhaps representing the broken dreams and massive debt another Christmas has incurred. It’s a very sad sight when you are driving past planning your summer holidays.


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Town is approximately 150 billion % busier

I don’t know if it’s common in towns the same size as Basildon, or if it is just a Basildon thing, but even if you go to town and there are only about 4 people in Asda, you can guarantee, one of them will try to get in your pocket. I don’t know why it is about a blatant disregard for personal space that gets magnified during the festive season, but if you need to go and do shopping during December you can absolutely guarantee that someone will double G you (grab your growler).


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Mince pies

If you fancy a mince pie in mid-august, you have about as much chance as procuring one as you do of finding a male that doesn’t lie. However, you just wouldn’t fancy one in August would you. In actual fact, do you EVER actually fancy a mince pie or do you just see it and want to eat it, like when someone next to you has chip shop chips? The truth is, there are not many people out there that genuinely have a love for mince pies or Christmas pudding but the minute you see those little red boxes in Asda’s the thought of not having a mince pie is akin to the thought of licking the local homeless mans blanket.


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Bob Geldof being on the ponce again

Please don’t for a minute think I am trying to trivialize the charities Bob actually raises money for, but does anyone else find it fishy he pops up every December more regularly than Santa? Has he not thought of doing a banging dance track that will get played at all the festivals then asking everyone pilling off their face if they will buy a hard copy for £9.99 or 7 magic beans, because that would make him a small fortune and he could probably eradicate not only Ebola, but those fleeces with pictures of wolves on and perms.

Bob Geldof, press session

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Your local towns big Christmas light switch on

I don’t know about where you live, but Basildon tend to make a massive thing of the ”Christmas light switch on’ which is invariably done by someone shit from Eastender (one year Beppe Di Marco did it and we all thre Wispa’s at him – because he whispers…get it?)
, someone from big brother or the very well known cast of the pantomime. It’s a running joke that almost every year the famous person presses the leaver and the person scratching their arse behind the scene’s forgets to throw the switch and the lights don’t come on, to much hilarity. The best thing about Basildon, is that the ACTUAL Christmas lights are horrendous, and look like a glow worm threw up on a tree after too much vindaloo.

Christmas lights

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Cheesy footballs

Don’t lie, don’t try and act posh, and don’t try and make out you don’t know what they are. I’m sure,like mine,your family do a ‘Christmas food table’ which rather than being composed of dinner ingredients is composed of various little treats that you are ABSOLUTELY not allowed to tuck into until Christmas eve, even though you will be eating the food until Easter. Cream of the crop, the crown jewels, the starring attraction, are Jacobs Cheesy footballs which you absolutely cannot get at any other time of year. Inevitably, you will eat the whole pot and make yourself ‘cheese sick’ because the excitement of that years dose just takes its toll upon you.


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McDonalds festive menu

In a similar vein to Jacobs cheesy footballs dictating to you whether it is Christmas or not, the McDonalds festive menu fares with the best of those little signs you need to get your arse in gear with shopping. I don’t know when it was that cheese become the universal symbol that it’s the celebration of the birth of christ, but cheese melt dippers clearly say to me ‘FESTIVE’. Instead of Frankincense, I do actually think that one of the wise men should of bought baby Jesus cheese, because all people had in those times to live of was goats so he deffo wouldn’t of been lactose intolerant. The only other good thing about the festive menu, aside from the fact you can get burgers that are only a slight variation on the normal range, is that you can get those gorgeous apple pies but in MINCE PIE VERSION called a ‘festive pie’. Wonders will honestly never cease.


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Pet Stockings

When did it, honestly, become the norm to buy your cats presents? My Mum came downstairs earlier and announced that she knew what she was getting Lily Allen, but not Albert. Everywhere you look nowadays, there are various little pet treats you can buy your little darlings to make their day special. Only they don’t know what Christmas is. They really don’t care.

Don’t look at me though. I had a birthday party for my cat.


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