So recently there has been a lot of hoo ha about a lady who didn’t really eat very much and another lady told her to eat a Twix. Personally, I don’t like Twixes but if you give me a Dime bar I’m anyone’s. Here’s my basic weekday on a plate.

(Image from: http://mashable.com/2013/03/12/alarm-clock-app-freakyalarm )

6.15am: My alarm goes off, and in a vain attempt to make getting up out of my nice comfy bed a little more manageable, I have my alarm tone as Kc and the Sunshine Bands ‘Give It Up’, which is usually the most cheerful song ever unless you are getting out of a freezing cold bed because you turned your radiator off and opened your windows because 9 hours ago while trying to sleep you were sweating your tits off.

The first thought crossing my mind is hatred for whatever deity, set of chemical reactions or universal circumstances that have bought me into the life of a person that needs to be up for a certain time to work. God, Allah or Jar or whatever you call the geezer couldn’t be kind enough to send enough writing work my way for me to wake up when I want and work in my pajamas while eating rice and watching Jeremy Kyle, no I have to actually LEAVE my bed.

So the first thing keeping me going food or drink wise is the coffee, that at the age of 26 my Mum still brings up to me at 6.30, which is the time when I absolutely have to drag my arse out of bed so as not to look a state for work.

(Image from: www.vancouversun.com/health/Canada+seizes+British+imports+like+Marmite+federal+government/9425990/story.html )

7.00am: After making sure my eyebrows look sufficient and are not going to freak out my customers, I come down stairs and have one slice of toast with margarine and Marmite on. I only have once slice, because it would definitely be the two slices of toast, and not the crisps, biscuits and slices of cheese I eat that would make me fat. I eat granary bread, or ‘granny’ bread as my mate Little Em calls it because it’s meant to be good for you, but to be honest I’m not the biggest fan of getting seeds in my teeth. At least I have some empathy with my colander now.

(Image from: http://groceries.iceland.co.uk/diet-coke-330ml/p/3147 )

8.00am: On route to work, I’ll have a can of Diet Coke. The sugar (and by sugar I mean fake sugar, sucralose or aspartame or whatever horrendous sugar subsitute coke use) helps me because I am still coming to terms with the horrendous situation of being out of my nice, warm room and comfy one sized bigger pajamas, and being in jeans are so tight I can’t bend my legs when I sit down and out in the cold. People say that you shouldn’t drink coke, but Kate Moss lives on it and she looks pretty good for her age. I only have a fizzy drink in the morning, as I don’t like being bloated later on in the day. For all you PC brigade that say the sugar is bad for me, I actually have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my locker at work so you can keep your tits on.

(Image from: http://www.hillbiscuits.com/contact-hill-biscuits.html )

11.00am: Usually, this is about the time I will make an excuse like needing to print something, take a tablet, or go to the toilet so I can go into the staff room and find something edible. I have started bringing crackers to snack on at work but I have to restrain myself as I will eat them all in one go. Despite the diet pills, an hour before lunch I am always so ravenous I could eat the beans that have been in the fridge 3 weeks. We used to buy biscuits at work, but we don’t any more because ‘someone’ eats them all. It’s not me though, I don’t eat biscuits. Or lie. Sometimes if I’m lucky I will find a 6 month old cereal bar in the back of my locker which is a last resort, but stops me feeling so hungry I could murder someone and eat them.

(Image from: www.fearlesshomemaker.com/2012/08/cilantro-lime-rice )

12.30: Between 12.00pm and 1.00pm I will have my lunch. My usual lunch protocol is plain rice with a little bit of lime on it. There’s no health reason for it, I just really like rice. People say that rice is bad for you, but I’m not being funny when was the last time you saw a fat Asian person? Exactly. Just to clarify, that was an observation that was not meant to offend, and I actually have traveled and lived in Asian countries. Just backing myself up because people tend to get their tits in a twist on my Twitter about pointless shit. If only we all had the time! So anyway I’ll really enjoy my rice and lime, and I do squeeze a WHOLE lime on my portion of rice so thats clearly one of my five a day. My prized possession is my rice cooker my best mate Helen got me for Christmas. I can easily cook about 2 weeks wroth of rice in that bad boy, so I travel to work every day with a nice big block of frozen rice and a lime in my hand bag. It’s handy in case I get mugged walking up to my lift, or if one of the school kids gets a bit tasty on their micro scooter.

(Image from: http://eatjackson.com/blog/2012/06/07/yogurt-greek-yogurt-and-frozen-yogurt )

4.00pm: This is the point of the day when I am considering giving up on life because I cannot believe I need to wait another 2 hours for my dinner. Having usually planned what I am going to have from 6.00am, or even the day before, by 4.00pm I am already thinking about how to cook whatever I am making. I used to take a yogurt to eat at 4.00pm, but it filled me up about as much as some thin air. Now I just do another round of the staff room to see if there are biscuits. If I have had the common sense to take crackers, I’ll usually eat these and drink a fresh juice, which is another one of my five a day, so my pie chart is looking great. After the 8 crackers have gone absolutely nowhere and my metabolism has attacked them within 30 seconds of them falling down my esophagus, I will more than likely eat a slice of cheese before dinner. Usually, what I like to do is throw cheese into the dinner as an ingredient so I can justify eating half a block.

(Image from: http://steamykitchen.com/21976-very-best-mashed-potatoes-recipe.html )

6.30pm: We usually have dinner about 6.30pm to strike a balance between being hungry in the evening and being starvational when we come home from work. My Mum only eats chicken, and I got to a point where I was so fucking bored of chicken I could cry, so we have a lot of vegetarian meals. This is great because we plonk near on our whole five a day in that shit. A typical dish is a nice vegetable curry. I like to make my own sauce, because store bought ones taste like watery chilli’s. Unfortunately, I made the mistake the other week of still following my recipe of two chilli’s, but instead of bog standard Asda chilli’s they were ones from the actual Asian shop. This also happened to be the week I agreed to make it for my work friend. Luckily enough no one died. Another typical week night meal will be something with mash. I actually love mash. Mash isn’t mash unless you put half a block of cheese, mustard and parsley in it. If you add fried onions, actually into the mash instead of at the side of the meal, that means you only count the calories for mash. Same with the cheese. It’s amazing how you can put all these things in your mash and just add mash onto your Fitness Pal and have only eaten 130 calories. I LOVE potato, or ‘tatties’ as I now call them as I have decided to re-brand myself as a Scottish person.