So here we are again, the Brit Awards! The British version of the Grammys and the all together more entertaining of the British award ceromonies (don’t say you’ve never fallen asleep during the BAFTAS. With the Oscars being a massive anti-climax, I have massive high hopes for this years Brits. Presented by Ant and Dec, there’s sure to be some laughter and controversy.

EVERYONE remembers when Jarvis Cocker mooned Michael Jackson, Geri Halliwell’s Union Jack dress, Russell BRand being highly unfunny in 2007 and Jame Cordern cutting off Adele.

8.00pm – Kick off

“Let’s go to work today dressed EXACTLY the same”. Said no pair of adult friends to each other, EVER, so I don’t know how Ant and Dec have been getting away with it for about 30 years. It’s like when Mum’s dress their twins the same then they get too old and it’s all a bit cringey.

I’m also wondering if I’ve EVER seen either Ant or Dec in anything but a black suit/tux. Swear they came out of the womb like it.

I came out of the womb in a jumpsuit and wedges with my eyebrows perfectly drawn on, I’m not messing.

8.04pm – Taylor Swift

You know that one friend who is always whining about her ex but saying she don’t actually care about him?

That’s Taylor Swift that is. She is singing a song that says ‘So it’s gonna be forever, or it’s gonna go down in flames’.

Love, even you are being that negative before you’ve even met the fella it’s definitely gonna go down in more than flames.

I’m not saying she’s not a good singer or that. Just would it KILL you Taylor, would it KILL you to write a song about something happy like flowers or a particularly nice holiday you have had?

8.09pm – Getting excited about Madonna and Kanye West

The lads are getting pretty excited about Madonna being in the building. It’s only because she has her Growler out every ten seconds you dirty beggars.

8.11pm – British Male Solo Artist

Orlando Bloom and Rita Ora presenting this one, not sure what authority Orlando Bloom has on British music, but Rita Ora looks stunning. She has on a gold jumpsuit which doesn’t leave much to the imagination in the breastation area.

Paulo Nutini and Damon Alburn have nominations. Seriously?

Ed Sheeran takes it over Sam Smith. It’s no surprise, the British public have been crawling up the bottom of this mediocre artist who makes the most genuinely boring music on earth for about two years now.

He seems like a lovely bloke (although he has stolen either Ant or Dec’s suit), but I just genuinely don’t get it. What boring, slow morose music. I’d rather listen to me pan pipes CD in the bath cheers.

There are plenty of young lads with guitars in small underground scenes who are making music ten times as brilliant as his, so I don’t see the fairness in the music industry at all.

Males a bit ambiguous with hair that long as well.

8.20pm – British Group

British groups, with the exception have not been the same in the last decade as they were in their 90s heyday, so it’s going to be interesting to see these nominations. Jimmy Page is presenting, and I have no idea who he is but he needs his split ends trimmed.

Coldplay have been nominated but lets face it Chris Martins going out with Jennifer Lawrence so as if he’s arsed about a Brit Award.

So some hard core rockers ‘Royal Blood’ have beaten my fella’s One Direction to ‘Best British Group’. I am honestly fuming I’m so devastated I don’t know what to do with myself.

Is that a twix?

20.23pm – Sam Smith performs

Unfortunately I’m probably not the best blogger to be live blogging this. I just don’t understand what this whole concept is at the moment of ‘lets all make a load of boring songs that all sound the sound’.

I think Sam Smith and Ed Sheeran have got absolutely lovely voices and they could be doing so much more with their talent.

20.28pm – Ant and Dec sitting down to chat to Ed Sheeran

Sheeran talking about selling records not being dead. Honest to god mate I don’t know how you have sold so many either. Some absolute funner was just doing star jumps in the background. This is me if I ever go to the Brits.

Please still invite me though, you wont regret it.

20.35 – International Female Solo Artist

Lewis Hamilton and Ellie Goulding presenting this one. I bet Nicole Sherzinger is over the moon with that one.

Lewis Hamilton is so fit though, I wouldn’t care if he wouldn’t commit, he’s loaded! Before even seeing the nominees I will say Taylor Swift will win this one.

Of course it was Taylor Swift. To be fair, hats off to the girl. She’s made herself millions by moaning about her exes. Most women would kill for that job.

Her acceptance speech was quite sweet, she’s growing on me.

20.40pm – Performance from Royal Blood

Song lyric ‘trying to figure it out’. Yeah we still are as well lads, how that racket beat One Direction….

20.43pm – Ant and Dec chat to Rita Ora and Ellie Goulding

Women everywhere are now vowing to diet and exercise and get tans and better hair.

20.52 – Best British Female Solo Artist

This category always makes me miss Leona Lewis. I LOVED Leona Lewis she was brilliant wasn’t she? I actually really like Ella Henderson, who has been nominated, and Jessie Ware. Strong category this year. Presented by the incredible Mark Ronson, and Paloma Faith wins it.

I like Palmona Faith she seems like she’s be a right good craic to go out with and do numerous Prosecco’s and get a burger on the way home. She’s really crying, don’t think she thought she would ever win, I like it when people like that win, better than when people who win can’t be arsed to turn up.

“Nobody seems to do long speeches and it seems to be the people that have won loads of awards and don’t like to gob off as much as me. WHen I was younger I used to fly poster my poster’s all over Hackney and I was arrested for it twice. Now my posters are all over Greenwich station – Legally”

Well done Paloma, you deserve it!

20.56pm – Ed Sheeran performs

You’ll have to excuse me though, can’t tell you what song it is because they all sound the same.

21.07 – Global Sucess Award

Kim Kardashian presenting this one, she looks immaculate but that bum just doesn’t even look real. She has on a lovely jumpsuit in black which is very slimming, apart from on the bum.

So this one’s being given to Sam Smith. Well done to the bloke for selling so many records, guess people in Amercia are boring as well.

You can’t slate his personality though, always very humble. Seems like he wants to achieve loads, maybe he’ll make a song with a beat. So Ant and Dec have asked Kim Kardashian for a selfie. Well you would wouldn’t you?

Slides in nicely for her to introduce her husband.

21.11 – Kanye West Performs

I used to REALLY like Kanye West, the ‘Through the Wire’ days were great, but then he got all big headed and weird and his music got rubbish, but this song he is performing is half decent so maybe being married to a Kardashian has made him stop taking himself so seriously.

To be honest though there’s not a lot of point in him performing because so much has been cut out. It’s like when your watching a video on Youtube and it stops to buffer. You would think he would be a bit less sweary wouldn’t you?

Tay Tay looked absolutely mortified. I hope Kris Jenner makes him wash his mouth out with soap when he gets home!

21.16 – International Male Solo Artist

Presented by Cara Delevinge god I would kill for that woman’s eyebrows. Pretty soon I’m sure there will be a ‘Cara Delevinge’ eyebrow kit.

So Pharell wins this one, and everyone’s turning round waiting for his giant hat but he’s not there. Prob couldn’t fit that at in his luggage. I like his style though. One day, he just woke up and thought “I am going to wear big silly hats from now on”, and he’s really kept to it because he is wearing one in the video to say thanks.

21.26 – Take That

You gotta love Take That for their perseverance, they will be a solo artist this time next year! I’m not ashamed to admit I like a bit of Gary Barlow.

Blimey this ones a bit ravey for them. Maybe Howard did a season in Ibiza?

Size of Gary Barlows keyboard….

21.31 – Best British Single

This is always a biggie. Usually goes to someone well unexpected. Lionel Richie and Lisa Snowdon presenting. Poor Lionel has JUST about got over the shock of that sweary Kanye performance.

Mark Ronson wins it for Uptown Funk, no surprise there, it is a good song. Don’t know why Bruno Mars didn’t get invited, there would of been room for his afro seeing as Pharell wasn’t there with his hat.

21.35 – International group

John Bishop is presenting this one, really cracking on now which makes me wonder, how long is that bint Madonna going to perform for?

I think if 5 seconds of summer don’t win there will be uproar.

Unfortunately teenage girls everywhere will have to cry into their pillows tonight as the Foo Fighters won. Not actually there but sent a nice message. Hopefully I’ll be famous enough one day to be able to not be arsed to turn up to things and still win.

21.39 – George Ezra Performs

George Ezra is performing Budapest, finally a song that isn’t more or less all blanked out of completely boring. George Ezra reminds me of that kid that plays the boy who knocks her up in Juno. He’s got massive feet as well. Know what I’m saying ladies?

21.48 – British Breakthrough Act

These artists will probably end up being more well known than all the people that have won others. Charlie XCX and Fearne Cotton are presenting. People tell me I remind them of Fearne Cotton. These people are people who will receive large sums of money when I’m rich.

Sam Smith wins again, I don’t know how he is gonna have room to take all these home, he aint event got pockets in his blazer.

21.52 – Paloma Faith Performs

Not only is she a funner, but she’s GREAT live, Although Paloma I had ONLY just got that ‘Only Love Can Hurt Like This’ out of my head and now I’m going to be singing it again for another six months.

She’s got a very ‘Black Swan’ inspired set up. Big black dress, dancing and rain. How do they get rain on the stage without being electrocuted? Had she got wellies on under that dress?

21.56 – British Artist Video

Karlie Kloss and ~Jimmy Carr presenting this one, he’s so much shorter than her. Karlie wants to congratulate her best friend Taylor on winning her award, swear someone else said that earlier, there’s going to be beef. Can’t keep a boyfriend Taylor but can’t get rid of people wanting to be your bessie, am in the same boat love!

YES One Direction have won, i knew my fella’s could do it. Zayn if you want to pop over for a congratulations kiss.

Simon Cowells picking it up for them, the boys are in Japan, how cool! Simon Cowells glasses are filthy so I’m happy about that because mine have not been clean for one minute since I got them. Even rich people can’t keep glasses clean. Decent.

22.06 – Best British Album of The Year

Russell Crowe is presenting this one so hopefully he wont be drunk or racist. He’s WELL fat now and DEFFO wouldn’t of fit on stage with Pharells hat.

So Ed Sheeran wins it for an album full of songs that all sound exactly the same. I give up!

22.11 – Queen Madge

Awaiting Madonna’s performance, I have been wondering, if, like usually, she will be flaunting her little girl all over the place. She’s come on in a cape/cloak so it’s obvious she is going to strip down to a G string or something.

Ohhh she’s fell over, great.

She’s wearing like a bull fighting outfit, no growler on show but NO ONE is going to get over her taking that tumble. I’ve intagrammed it haha! Thank you Madonna good night!