It’s Monday. There are plenty of things you are struggling with today. One being the fact it is Monday at all. Two, you had far too many prosecco’s yesterday at that lunch date which filtered through to the evening. Three, you forgot to make lunch so now you need to do a mad dash to the Slow-Op in your half an hour lunch break to get a pasta pot that tastes like it’s been made by your five year old niece and an energy drink that you’ll need to spend four hours on the cross trainer to burn off.

Another niggle to add to that list? You are out Friday. Yep, that night out you have been planning for weeks is now upon you. Where does the time go? So this means, getting ready starts tonight. If you are Male, or live outside Essex, maybe you will not understand this. But if you are a true, dedicated vain person who wants to get the perfect selfie before you get so smashed you look like Lady Gaga’s drunk Nan, you will definitely start getting ready days before the actual event.

4 Days Before

You have a few outfits on the go in your head, but nothing concrete. Of course, it all depends on how thin you look on the night, but that diet went out the window this week when you accidently ate a loaf of bread Sunday night to try and sober up and not be hungover this morning. So right, emergency procedures need to be introduced. You decide today that after your shit pasta, you will eat nothing but rice cakes and kale in an effort to look thin in your bodycon dress Friday.

Fake tanning and exfoliating starts today. A few good layers need to be put on, so tonight the sanding down and tanning starts.

3 Days Before

The rice cakes and kale are going swimmingly, so perhaps fitting in some Yoga tonight at the gym will make you look that tiny bit thinner Friday. It’s worth a go. Of course, the tanning stuff goes into the gym bag for after your shower. Tonight, you make an effort to use that wrinkle cream that has been in the back of your drawer since you got it free with a magazine. Every little helps right?

2 Days Before

Outfit choices number 1 and 2 are still looking a bit ropey, and those shoes you thought looked amazing make your feet feel like someone is holding a lighter under your toes, so you go on a mad dash to the Next on the industrial estate that is open slightly later than all the shops and look for something that fits, doesn’t need ironing and some comfy shoes.

You come out half hour later with a new handbag (not for the night out of course) and some tights, which you didn’t need. Today is also eyebrow day, as if you get them tinted too close to the day they may be too dark and you may look like Bert and Ernies love child.

When you get home you still persevere with the tanning and whack on some more wrinkle cream. While you are looking in the back of your cupboard for custard creams, which you will realize you can’t eat and throw back, you find some peppermint tea and decide it may be a good time to start drinking some to reduce bloating and try and look even slimmer in your dress.

1 Day Before

Tonight, it’s nails and eyelashes night. The later the better. In actual fact, as late as possible so you don’t fuck either up by smudging them or letting them fall off in the shower.

When you get home, the tanning effort goes into overdrive and you do at least three layers, spending most of the evening sitting on your bed waiting for it to dry before you moisturize and reapply. You then get a glimpse in the mirror and decide your eyebrows are horrendous and you simply cannot be seen with this bush woman look the women in the beauty shop has given you, so you spend half hour plucking them and by time they are even you will need to basically draw them back on again.

The face cream is again cracked out.

On the day

You rush home from work like a looney, having avoided food all day to get maximum stomach flatness in your bodycon dress. Once you have contoured, had your rollers in, gone for that red lip you love and put on your outfit and decided you don’t look too fat, you get out, get hammered, end up with one eyelash and bog roll on your shoe. Yay!