Well at least I’m not 30, right?

Except I’ve been saying that for the last 3 years, so God knows what I am actually going to do when  I am 30. I will probably alternate between crying into a glass of wine and looking up knitting patterns on Pinterest.

How young can I get away with saying I am?

I mean, ok, probably not going to pass for 18. But 22, 23 is attainable if I get a tan and some Clarins. Occasionally, when I go to a REALLY old check out lady I still get ID’d, so there must be something there to work on.

Do I need to start thinking about botox?

Jackie Stallone is clearly not the look anyone 25 and over would be looking to obtain, but at what age do I really need to start thinking about botox? Because we all know thinking about it and doing it can be a long gap. I started THINKING about wrinkle cream when I was 19 but only actually started applying it 6 weeks ago when it was on offer in the January sales.

I’m still single. Will I be alone forever?

I mean, I LIKE being single, but all of my friends have a husband, three kids a Pomeranian and a Taissimo coffee maker. Where am I going wrong?

Shapewear. Is it time?

No one on this God given earth likes to think about the possibility they may need fat pants. But when middle aged spread starts creeping up on you, YES, you may need fat pants. The best thing to do is to embrace it and start eating as much cheese as possible and thinking ‘Sod it, I’ll just sling on my fat pants’.

What is an actual acceptable number of cats?

2? 3? So many that you can give them out to visitors when they come round, much like you used to give out party bags with Birthday cake and little yo-yo’s in? Who knows? The older you get, the more blurred the lines become.

Oh, I seem to now love vouchers and my Tesco Clubcard. Is this normal?

Yes, this is perfectly normal. See, when you get older, you actually have to be responsible with your money, and the thought of getting “8 toilet rolls for the price of 14 is about as overwhelming as Leonardo DiCaprio finally winning an Oscar.

Why do I still have bad skin?

All through your teen years, all your Mum says about your bad skin is ‘You’ll grow out of it’. So now you are nearly old enough to tick another box on the form, why are you still suffering from bad skin?

Probably because you eat shit and drink wine.

Do I still have goals, or am I just wandering through life aimlessly?

When you were in school, you were 100% either going to be Britney Spears back up dancer, a vet, or win Big Brother. Now your sole ambition is to leave the office on Friday without a murder charge.

Does this mean I need to stop getting drunk, falling down the night club stairs and losing my shoes?

Probably. But let’s face it, you won’t. So next time you make a tit out of yourself, doing in style.