When I tell you I’ve been on holiday to Derbyshire (or Leicestershire, I’m still not confident where I actually was to be honest), you’ll probably think, well that’s not a holiday is it? Now let me tell you something my friends, if I booked it off work, trust me I count it as a holiday. If I set an out of office reply, I count it as a holiday. If I have to think about ‘what I’m travelling in’ I count it as a holiday. I’ve made many friends, from many walks of life, but one of my best best friends Mum’s was getting married, and there was no way I was going to miss a opportunity to cause some mischief. Lauryn is originally from Carlile, thus we call her ‘Foreign Lauryn’. She lived in Essex which is obviously when I met her, then buggered off up to the Midlands and left me severely lacking a partner in crime.
I’m unsure what her Mum had taken or drunk when she kindly invited me up to stay Thursday to Sunday for the wedding on Friday, but it must of been pretty strong, because me and Lauryn are the biggest trouble makers ever. I wouldn’t invite the pair of us to my wedding if I was being paid a million pound. But there you go Julie (or Joseph as we decided to name her) was kind enough to invite me up, and even though we didn’t get to go on the toboggan, I still feel we really reached our trouble making potential. In case you really do have nothing to do with your life, here’s what we go up to.
After one Costa, two 30p wee’s at Victoria Coach Station, a massive bag of bon bons, and some Lucozade, I arrived in Leicester. I can’t say I was massively impressed with Leicester Coach Station, but the Foreign one wanted a drink so we went to Turtle Bay as I insisted it had to be wine after my stressful journey. Turtle Bay is absolutely AMAZING. I love anything with a bit of a Jamacian vibe, being the laid back funner I am, but when we got to the bar and found out it was happy hour I was inevitably even more thrilled (although I was in a good mood anyway as Lauryns friend had just complimented my boobs, which is always a plus).
At this point, it was also sunny, so I insisted we sat in the sun and even pondered if I could use lip balm as tanning oil. Like really, what’s the worst that could have happened? At this point, we thought the glorious sunny weather would be a fabulous pre-curser to the weekend ahead (we were wrong).
All of her friend’s and family were already in attendance, so she had a full house, and we were to go to the pub that night with everyone to celebrate Juseph and Petes wedding.
After trying in vain to actually change Julies name on Facebook to ‘Juseph’ on her phone, we settled for changing her status to ‘I now renounce the name Julie and from here on in, I want to be named Juseph”. Not feeling this was as far as we could go, Lauryn then set about messaging back all of Julies Wedding well wishers on Facebook informing them she wanted to be called Juseph.
The Greyhound, is a little pub nestled at the side of the road in either Leicestershire or Derbyshire (still didn’t know where I was at this point). The owner is really friendly, and after hearing us express how devastated we were we didn’t know the wifi password (after all, we had a lot of snapchats to send) he shouted it out to us. The food is really nice, and obviously as you ca imagine, coming from ‘London prices’ I was amazed at how cheap the food and drinks are. Not that I didn’t have a full on fight with Lauryns Grandad about who was paying for the prosecco at the bar.
So this is at the point when ‘normal people’ would of left it at a good night and gone about their day. Not me and Lauryn though. Obviously. What do we do? Well ladies and gents, we buy 12 jagers and give Lauryns Nan a one. In case you haven’t guess how the night ended, it was definitely with me and my friend putting her Nana to bed. Not that we remembered to take her glasses off though.
Friday (Wedding day)
So today’s wedding day, and I’m most impressed to wake up and find out I’m not hungover (neither was Nana in case you wondered). Probably mixed with the excitement of the fact I was getting my hair and make up done professionally today and also the fact we got McDonalds breakfast. Swadlincote McDonalds, I do apologise now for how many times you had to suffer us playing Wiley in your drive thru last weekend, I really do.
We had our make up and hair done by the brilliant Chelcie and she was honestly amazing. If you are ever knocking about in the Midlands, get your make up done by her, seriously. She actually managed to make me look decent!
The Wedding itself was in a registry office, then in a function room at the ski slope. I think my favourite part was when the lady said ‘speak now or forever hold your peace’ everyone looked at Lauryn expecting a sarcastic comment. They know her well.
When we got to the dry ski slope function room, I can honestly say I was heartbroken that it was too rainy rainy to go on the toboggan. Not that we didn’t make up for it by causing some mischief to entertain ourselves.
Ahhhh wedding speeches, the best part of the day. Sadly not many people gave one (apart from me) however the Groom did get up to say thank you to all the guests. What more appropriate time for Lauryn to be shouting out “JUSEPH” at the absolute top of her voice?
Needless to say it was a wedding, so we felt terribly out of sorts the next morning. Well that’s a lie. She felt perfect and I felt diabolical.
There really is nothing to do on a Saturday night around the local area to go to the Greyhound, and a band were playing, so I had all day to sort out my hangover. Perfect time to fit in the second McDonalds of the weekend.
If you were out and about in the Swadlincote area on Saturday morning, and you think you heard someone shout ‘Spice up your life’ out of a car window, you definitely did hear that. Sorry.
Even though it was cloudy we opted to spend the day in the hot tub listening to grime and laughing at the dogs having a fried egg toy (no, I don’t know why we found it funny either).
As we had only been to the Greyhound for dinner I was interested to see what it was like for a drink out, and it wasn’t too bad, although the band were a bit old and they CERTAINLY didn’t play Staceys Mom by Fountains of Wayne.
The owner of the pub came up to chat with us about the wedding, and we completely blanked him and started our own conversation, prompting him to stand awkwardly for a bit and ask ‘can I go now?’
Travelled on the National Express from London Victoria to Leicester (word of advice on actual Leicester coach station, don’t go unless you have to)
Swadlincote Leisuresport Centre
So is Burton Leicestershire or Derbyshire?
I still don’t know.
Love to know your thoughts guys?