Last week, I went to a wedding. I drunk, I danced, I inappropriately asked the Grooms Nan to dance to Garage, not realising she used a wheelchair. I love weddings, and clearly I’ll never have my own, but luckily I’ve had two so far, and have another one in a few weeks. Here’s the top things that happen at all weddings.

Someone cries.

Someone always cries at a wedding, and funnily enough, it’s always the person you least expect like the massively masculine Uncle with loads of tattoo’s. I cry at weddings because I will be single for the rest of my life, due to the fact that when any man takes an interest I get bored and tell him to fuck off. God knows why everyone else cries at weddings. You get free alcohol and cake, it’s not that bad.

Someone gets overly drunk.

There’s always one at a wedding that gets absolutely hammered. If I go to a wedding, it’s me, but there are hundreds of thousands of weddings across the globe that I don’t provide that service for, but someone usually does. My favourite is when the Grandma surprises you by kicking off after three babycham’s and a screwdriver. GO ON NAN.

Everyone in the room hears a fork tapping a glass.

Right seriously, I’ve NEVER got this one. Parties are noisy (well ones I’m at are anyway), how does EVERYONE hear it when someone taps a fork on a glass and become silent for the speech? I don’t listen. So I wouldn’t hear it if you had a megaphone and shouted the speech at me, how do HUNDREDS of people hear a tiny fork tapping a glass? HOW? One of life’s great mystery’s like where your pog collection went or why you can’t ever perfect the timing on your boiled egg.

Someone’s speech absolutely bombs.

Have you ever sat at a wedding and sheer cringed? Yes, it’s usually during speech time. Some wedding speeches are so epic, that they should be made into films starring Susan Sarandon and Emily Blunt. Some however, are horrendous. There is a nice, safe area between too funny and too mushy. It’s called, the area that normal people use. So no, if you are going to mention the fact the groom had his testicles sellotaped to a chair on the stag in front of the whole family, it probably isn’t a great idea.

There WILL be a fall.

You can pretend to be a nice person all you want, but don’t tell me you haven’t been to at least one wedding where you have secretly thought it would be quite funny if either the bride or groom fell over? It never is, luckily, usually it’s Aunty Deborah who stacks it on the dancefloor after she’s rinsed the free bar.