I’ve spent many a nice evening with my mates abusing the Harvester salad bar. As much as I love going to places a bit more upmarket like Fazenda Rodizio Bar and Grill, I’m also just as happy sitting in a booth in Frankie and Benny’s tucking into their carbonara. Although the humble chain restaurant seems to have fallen in reputation of late, I still both love and loathe them, and I’ve put together a ranking of ten of them, worst to best. If you feel differently, and that a huge injustice has been done to your favourite chain restaurant, feel free to comment on the post or tell me on X (formerly Twitter).

10. Pizza Hut

If you were not familiar with them, you will have to trust me on this, but Pizza Hut had its glory days. You used to be able to rock up and get a table, then feast on unlimited pizza, pasta and salad for £6.99. It’s now a lot more expensive, and you don’t get the pasta. Granted pizza and pasta are a bit carb-heavy, but for £6.99 all you can eat we just used to man-up and get it down us. For £6.99 I’d probably eat one of my cats.

9. Wagamama

I’m aware this isn’t going to impress a lot of people, but I don’t get the hype. Some of their noodles are so thick I feel like I’m eating one of those pool float things in chicken broth. Also, £7.50 for five gyoza. Are they mad? Wagamama is one of those places that I feel like everyone goes to because they have seen someone else on social media go and they went because THEY saw someone on social media go and so on (trust me, I’m not hating on that, last year I spent £4k and had the worst holiday of my life because I trusted TikTok influencers).

8. Harvester

If any of my friends were to read this, they would be fairly surprised Harvester isn’t listed last. The thing is, I am sure there are Harvester’s out there that are fine, but what I am saying is, the ones in Basildon are not nice. I appreciate they provide cheap food and a free salad bar but there’s just something about them that makes me dislike them overall. Harvester has a bad aura and if you disagree you probably have a pretty shitty aura too. They have a couple of great sauces and the croutons do bang, but that’s about it, nothing else to write home about. Then we get onto the main meals. Their pasta sauce tastes like they just threw some chopped tomatoes and tomato puree without seasoning, and don’t get me started on the quality of the meat. The chicken in particular is dry as a Nun’s chuff. They don’t even have any balsamic vinegar, the heathens.

7. Toby Carvery

A cheapish roast is always good. But it’s the “serve yourself”, mixing spoons in different dishes thing that gets me, and why this is so low down in a list written by someone who is such a slut for Yorkshire puddings. Some drippy prick always puts the cauliflower cheese spoon in the peas and my lactose-intolerant little body just doesn’t need it. The quality of the food is “ok”, and it is a bit of a bonus you get loads of it, but roasts in a nice country pub are always far superior in quality and not that much more expensive.

6. Pizza Express

Pizza Express gets points for having gluten-free items on the menu, which makes it pretty good for a pizza establishment. Their food is pretty nice as well, but I wouldn’t say it was nice enough to warrant the prices. The dough balls went through a bit of a “thing”, I remember everyone being obsessed with them, but the Pizza’s are just slightly posher than your average Pizza place. Another “plus” for me though, is that every Pizza Express I’ve visited has been very pleasant to sit in. And if you are lucky, you might even get a Royal Family sighting while you are in there.

5. Nando’s

Nando’s gets a lot of “I don’t get the hype, it’s just chicken” discourse on social media, but my view on this is, what the hell is wrong with chicken? The simplicity of Nando’s is an elegance the UK needed when it burst onto the scene in the 90s. Chicken, chips, rice. Chicken, halloumi, mash. Simple, uncomplicated, dishes that are a bit of a step up from KFC, and a lot better for you because most of the chicken is grilled. I’ve always found as well, that even during peak times you can get a table, and they always have a Nando’s in shopping centres/areas. So if you are looking for a pair of shoes for a party you can just decide, off the cuff, to go and eat an entire lemon and herb chicken. Magical.

4. Bella Italia

I’m giving away my unsophisticated palette here, but I love Bella Italia. A huge portion of Carbonara for £14.50? I would lay down and let someone pour this down my throat. Their dough balls also happen to be better than Pizza Express’s, and the garlic bread is heaven. There are probably many Italian people who think what Bella Italia serves is absolute sacrilege and I get it, I do, but I can’t help being obsessed with reasonably priced pasta.

3. TGI Friday’s

I don’t drink but I will always have the hilarious memory of our local TGI’s delivering cocktails during the pandemic. They were outrageously expensive but good for them for providing such a vital service to the good people of Basildon, Essex. I love TGI Fridays because every single chicken item on their menu is a hit. Not to mention the Jack Daniels sauce. The burgers are great, and randomly, among all of the American dishes, there are fajitas. One of the main reasons TGI’s get such a high rating for me is that you can order a “wall to wall” chicken main, and I’m not so much of a fan of sides like fries (because why would I waste stomach space on fries when I could eat more chicken?). Our local TGI’s also has an upbeat kinda vibe which means I don’t have to use my indoor voice, which is another huge benefit, because I don’t have an indoor voice.

2. Frankie & Benny’s

If random combinations of cuisines are your thing, then Frankie & Benny’s are the masters. They come second for me because when it comes to food I can be indecisive, and what if I want a carbonara but also I want some fried chicken and someone else I am with wants a hot dog? In my opinion, Frankie & Benny’s is one of the best and most reliable chain restaurants. They aren’t particularly expensive, they are nice to sit in, the staff always seem friendly, and you could sit in there all afternoon and eat your way around the globe. I see no downside. 

1. Dishoom

My intro to Dishoom was quite random. I’d started a job in Seven Dials at a small advertising agency, and one day on lunch, I walked through a huge queue. Covent Garden is just one of those areas, so I didn’t think much of it until I mentioned it to someone in my office, who confirmed people were queuing for a restaurant. The queueing technique, whether intentional or unintentional worked; I wanted a piece of this food that was so good people would stand and freeze their tits off for half an hour to eat some. I got around to visiting a few months after this and I wasn’t disappointed. I love Paneer and the Paneer Tikka didn’t disappoint. For a restaurant this popular, the prices are incredibly reasonable. I am fully aware that they don’t have many restaurants across the UK, and picking this as my favourite might make me sound like a bit of a twat. Nonetheless, I am a well-fed twat.

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